Seinfeld: The Greatest Authority On The NBA Draft (Part 2)

Picks 11-20 of the NBA Draft are tainted. Damaged goods. George’s fabled red dot-ruined cashmere sweater. There’s just something wrong, something incomplete. That’s why they fall out of the top 10. Last week I covered the sacred teachings of “Seinfeld” as they relate to picks 1-10 of the Dime Mock Draft 3.0. Luckily, the knowledge of NBC’s greatest comedic creation is never ending. So let’s dive in and see what the Jewish prophets can teach us about picks 11-20.

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Klay Thompson – “The Nose Job” (Season 3): He has shot up draft boards with impressive workouts and interviews. A dynamic scorer who relies on skill rather than athleticism, he has worked hard to fine tune his offensive game because sometimes alteration is needed to attain perfection. The results are evident. Thompson is a top shooting guard prospect being sought after by many teams.

He’s the beautiful girl with the awkward facial irregularity. So what did he do? He went to the gym and performed plastic surgery on himself. And that’s just what Kramer suggested to George’s girlfriend. So what did she do? Instead of taking offense, she decided to address her issue and get a nose job. The surgery may have gone wrong for the girlfriend, but it went well for Thompson. So I’d suggest that NBA teams ask him out on a date.

Jordan Hamilton – “The Pie” (Season 5): He may not have lived up to his high school luster, but Hamilton still proved to be an effective player at Texas. We’re all just waiting for him to tap into his star potential.

But NBA fans and general managers are not the only ones waiting. Jerry Seinfeld is still waiting for Poppy’s daughter to eat Monk’s pie. Despite her unexplained and unequivocal refusals, Jerry wouldn’t give up. But he’s like any of us; results aren’t enough. He has to know why. No one knows why Hamilton couldn’t be a total star, but that won’t stop us from asking the question. For the NBA team that drafts him, just be warned – he’s still looking at the pie and shaking his head.

Tristan Thompson – “The Label Maker” (Season 6): He’s a little things guy with NBA athleticism. He’ll scrap for offensive boards, run the floor and be a long and lanky nuisance on the defensive end. He’s the kind of guy that you don’t game plan for because he’ll have no offensive sets centered around him – but he’ll still manage to get his points and impact the game. If a team relies on him to generate their offense, they’ll be in a world of hurt.

When George forces his new girlfriend’s male roommate, Scott (who looks just like him) to move out, George realizes that he has become her sole male outlet. George is a self-aware man, and knows that this is not a position he can handle. When his girlfriend complained, she could go to Scott. But now George has to bear the brunt of the burden. He enjoyed being one of the fiddles, just not the fiddle. And that’s how Thompson must be handled in the NBA. Let him fulfill his role and don’t pile on the responsibility.

Marcus Morris – “The Switch” (Season 6): He thinks he can play small forward, but he’s a little confused. While we admire his ambition to be a versatile NBA threat, he’s got to stick to his guns and not overreach. As much as he wants to be a tweener, he’s not. He can’t make the switch. And neither can Jerry, but that doesn’t stop him from trying.

His current girlfriend won’t laugh at his jokes, but her roommate does. George advises Jerry to bring up the possibility of a ménage à trois as a possible technique for successfully switching girlfriends – the idea being that the roommate will be flattered and the current girlfriend insulted. To Jerry’s surprise, the roommates accept the invitation. But Jerry realizes the potential error he’s making – he doesn’t want to be an orgy guy – so he pulls out. Morris is trying to be greedy. In his attempt to seduce both girls (small forward and power forward), he may get neither.

Jimmer Fredette – “The Contest” (Season 4): Our love of Jimmer is obsessively bordering on irrational. We have an animalistic instinct that draws us toward him. There’s no doubt that his killer crossover and jump shot will be NBA assets, but sometimes it’s better to hold off because you’ll regret it later. Or maybe you won’t, because it’ll feel that satisfying. Ultimately it seems that one NBA team will bite and succumb to the Jimmer craze sooner than it probably should.

Kramer, Elaine and Jerry couldn’t resist during their “contest.” It would be a disservice to the genius of the episode if I were to speak of the details of the contest, but hopefully the “Seinfeld” faithful know what I’m talking about. Sometimes it’s just too difficult to hold off, ya know?

Markieff Morris – “Serenity Now” (Season 9): Markieff will always have a place in my heart. He’s the lesser, the second, the worse brother (basketball-wise). That’s never a good feeling, and I am truly empathetic. Hopefully he keeps chugging along and emerges out of his brother’s shadow. In short, he needs to show George’s resolve. Instead of allowing Lloyd Braun (who George’s parents always wanted him to be like) to steamroll him, he buckles down and tries to become a better computer salesman than Lloyd. Okay, so maybe he cheats and stores the “sold” computers in Kramer’s apartment, but the sentiment remains the same.

The point is that George stuck with it, even when he was losing, even when his parents loved another kid more. So follow George’s example, Markieff. Scrap, claw, do whatever it takes. Make a name for yourself. Make Markieff the more well-known Morris name.

Josh Selby – “The Soup Nazi” (Season 7): Despite his disappointing season at Kansas, there’s no doubt that Selby has one of the highest ceilings around. He may come with some baggage (accepting $5,000 in improper benefits) and a bit of a loud mouth on the court (part positive communication, part trash talk), but ultimately it’s worth the risk. If you’re willing to let the little things go, you’re potentially getting greatness. Sometimes you just have to accept the quirks and mannerisms of the stars, no matter how frustrating they may be.

That’s what everyone did with the Soup Nazi, and in the end no one really cared. The soup was just that good. The exact procedure for ordering soup may have been convoluted and unnecessary, but the best demand perfection and tolerate nothing less. If Selby fulfills his potential, his NBA team will gladly put up with the occasional irritation.

Chris Singleton – “The Smelly Car” (Season 4): Defense, length and athleticism. He’s a stopper, through and through. Even if Singleton’s offensive game isn’t up to snuff, it’s players like him who can harass and hound you to the point of exhaustion and complete frustration. Kind of like Jerry’s smelly car, which despite his best efforts, remains infected by a foul odor. It forces Elaine to break up with her boyfriend, Kramer to break up with his girlfriend, and Jerry to sell the car at all costs.

Singleton is that same terrorizing nightmare. His defensive prowess deflates you. It sucks the will to play right out of you. Even though you have the ball, you’re powerless. Select him on draft night and you’ll wield the power to render the opponent’s best player incapable of scoring.

Marshon Brooks – “The Bubble Boy” (Season 4): An unflappable and ruthless scorer, Brooks doesn’t just want to beat you. He wants to nail a jumper in you face, steal your lunch money and run away with your girlfriend. He’s a demoralizer. No matter who you are, Brooks will try (and most of the time succeed) to get buckets on you. But his talents aren’t solely built on natural ability – he’s a gym rat who constantly works on his game and tailors it to his own specifications.

George displays that same demeanor, that same merciless desire for domination. When he plays a bubble boy in Trivial Pursuit, George doesn’t back down. Even though the bubble boy correctly says that the Moors invaded Spain in the 8th century, the game card actually says “Moops” due to a misprint. But George is a stickler and has a ferocious need for victory, so he enforces the rulebook. That’s the killer instinct Brooks will bring, for better or for worse.

Kenneth Faried – “The Doorman” (Season 6): Faried is a role player. A supporter. He doesn’t need the glitz and glamour that most players covet. He’s willing to do the dirty work behind the scenes. Even though no one admits it, everyone needs a guy like Faried on their squad because rebounding is a major issue for most NBA teams.

Older men have the same need for some behind-the-scenes work. Whether you prefer the “Bro” or “Manssiere,” it’s the perfect solution for supporting man breasts. Unnoticeable but highly effective. Count on Faried to provide this same type of efficiency.

What do you think?

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