NOTE: This episode picks up where Episode 1 left off.
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Racing from the Bat Cave, the Batmobile’s path is blocked by traffic at the end of Wayne Manor’s driveway.
BATMAN
The fack?
Blares custom “Sweet Caroline” car horn: BAH BAH BAHHHHHHHHH
Donny appears on the monitor in the Batmobile dash
DONNY
Hey, Bruce, while ya rout theah, could you check ta see if the mail was delivahed? I’m waiting awn this month’s Hustlah. I heah that one brawd from American Pickahs is the centahfold. That skank who found that vintage awm-wah?
BATMAN
I DON’T HAVE TIME FA THIS, DAWNNY. And how many times I gawta tell you? It’s “Batman” when I’m in the mask. The city a Gawtham can nevah know my secret identity, ya loose-lipped fack. The bannah of the Dahk Knight is biggah than any one man, like the Pats.
DONNY
Fine, fine, quit ya growlin’. Ya secret’s safe with me. Give me a little fackin’ credit. Did I tell anyone about the time I cawght you gettin’ a handjawb from Lazy Eyes Laura Riley behind the 7-11 dumpstah?
Bruce’s cousin Mary-Alice cackles in the background.
MARY-ALICE
Haaa, Laura Riley, you debawcherous fack!
DONNY
Hahahaha
MARY-ALICEHahahaha
BATMAN
YOAH ONE TA TALK, PILL PUSHAH! CAWL ME WHEN YOU SLEEP AT YA ROWN HOUSE!
DONNY
Go back downstayuhs, Mary-Alice! …Sawrry, Bruce. I mean Batman. So, d’you get my Hustlah?
BATMAN
It’s nawt my tawp concern right now, Dawnny! I’m stuck in this fackin’ Sawks-Yanks traffic while the Ridlah runs amok.
DONNY
…You didn’t heah?
BATMAN
Heah what?
DONNY
Supahman awready took cayuh of that quizzical fack.
BATMAN
You gawtta be shittin’ me! I only made it down my fackin’ driveway.
[hangs up on Donny]
BATMAN
Hey computah, cawl Clahk Kent.
[The Batmobile’s on-board computer responds, in a female voice, with a light British accent]
ON-BOARD COMPUTER
I’m sorry, I could not understand you.
BATMAN
Cawl. Clahk. Kent. You. Fackin. Fack.
[dialing]
CLARK KENT
Daily Planet, this is Clark Ke-
BATMAN
YOU STEPPIN AWN MY TERRITAWRY, YOU CAPED QUEAH? The Ridlah was mine!
CLARK KENT
[Sigh] Bruce, can this wait? I’m on a deadline and I have a date with Lois.
BATMAN
That twat? Bawlin’ her must be like th-
CLARK KENT
Throwing a batarang down the bat cave, yes I know.
BATMAN
Whatevah. Wheah’s the Ridlah now?
CLARK KENT
Back in Arkham. Where he belongs. Assuming you don’t bust him out again.
BATMAN
THE ONLY THING I’M GONNA BUST IS A NUT AWL OVAH THE SMAWL OF LOIS’S LOWAH BACK.
CLARK KENT
[click]
BATMAN
Hello? Fack it. Computah, let’s go home. Which one of these levahs is reverse?
ON-BOARD COMPUTER
I’m sorry, I could not understand you.
BATMAN
This fackin’ thing. I sweah ta gawd I’m gonna drive this limey caah straight up Lucius Fawx’s freckled cawnhole one day. Fack it, I’ll do it myself.
[Pulls lever and launches missile far into the horizon, where it collides with a freshly reconstructed Arkham Asylum]
BATMAN
Gawd. Dammit.
[Scene]
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ADDITIONAL NOTE: I figured we’d get to Episode 2 of Southie Batman eventually, and I was content to release it in small chunks, but before I knew it, the commenter known only as Chareth Cutestory had basically finished the whole thing and emailed it me. I say that to explain that the vast majority of this was his work.
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