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After the jump, watch the first trailer for Burlesque, starring Cher, Christina Aguilera, and Stanley Tucci (The Tooch). I would’ve put the video on top, but I wanted to capture the weird cross-eyed blink thing Christina Aguilera keeps doing with her eyes. For the uninitiated, a burlesque dancer is basically a stripper who can read, and this movie would like us to believe that it’s making a comeback. The movie itself looks like kind of a throwback to something made in the 30s or 40, but I mean that in a good way, because the dialogue is delightfully ridiculous. Some of my favorites lines:
“When you are putting on your makeup, you’re like an artist, but instead of painting on canvas, you’re painting a face.”
CHER: What happened to all the great dancers in LA?
STANLEY TUCCI: They’re all dancing with the stars.Allie? Is that short for something?
Alice.
Well, Alice. Welcome to wonderland.
It looks basically like if Showgirls and Coyote Ugly shared a tent at a Renaissance Faire. The best thing about it is the implication that a wide-eyed ingenue from the sticks one day came to LA with a dream, a dream to someday… uh, do elaborately choreographed striptease in a bar full of hipsters and gay guys. I’d like to see the porn version of this, Softcore, where a girl comes to LA and gets a job setting up lights for skinemax movies, but secretly dreams of taking off her clothes and having her belly button humped by soap opera actors in simulated sex scenes. That was how grandma made ends meet after she fled the old country.
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Cam Gigandet does not appreciate the willful absence of his name attached to a picture starring Cher. How else would she knows he’s in it? And by extension how else could she make him a STAR *jazz hands*
“I want to be on stage.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re not nearly attractive enough to entertain our high-brow crowd.”
*puts on red lipstick*
“HOLY SHIT – CANCEL THE MAIN ACT – WE HAVE A NEW STAR!”
This is what happens when a big gay studio executive greenlight’s his big gay boyfriend’s big gay passion project. J’Accuse, Screen Gems!!!
So, this is like La Cage Aux Folles minus the drag queens? Oh – nevermind, I forgot Cher was in it.
Who wouldnt want Evan Stone to hump their belly button?
So this movie is just Glitter with crotchless panties, right? They should have called it Clitter.
When I get done smashing in Anderson Silva’s face, the sight will make you want to HURLESQUE…LIVE, at UFC 117, August 7th on PPV!
I think I’ll pass on the Evan Stone belly button humping. I’ll need my liver non-bruised and functioning properly if I want it to filter out all the alcohol I’m gonna need to scrub the unwanted image of him humping my belly button out of my head.
Fuck all you cup-half-empty haters, I’m choosing to think of this as Nine plus an awesome set of tits.
There was some sort of HBO Documentaries… Documentary… one time where this hipster girl tracked down “famous” burlesque dancers and the whole time she’s talking to these old women you know she’s thinking “Yeah, taking off your clothes in an artsy way is so fucking punk rock” and finally towards the end of the movie one of the old women calls her out as a fucking idiot.
I bet that movie is less unintentionally funny than this one.
In the sequel she can maybe juggle. I’ll open for her with a litany of drunken Kerryman jokes.
Nine already has an awesome set of tits, Peet. Sophia Loren’s.
Would she be juggling balls? Cuz it looks like most of the guys in this movie are gay, and I don’t think they will be interested in watching her juggle.
Now if Cam Gigandet were the juggler, that’s a whole different story *swoon*
@Stinky Peet
I’d hardly call Alan Cumming and Eric Dane “awesome”.
Peet, this movie has three giant boobs. The two on Christina Aguilera’s chest and Cam Gigandet
What makes this all the more awesome is the fact that it was directed by Troy Perkins from “The Goonies.”
Yes, haha. Even the first reviewer agrees with me. Fucken hipsters.
For the uninitiated, a burlesque dancer is basically a stripper who can read
Which is as useful as a condom with air holes in it so your dick can breathe.
Did I see a quick glimpse of Alan Cumming in that clip, or was it just another shot of Cher? I always get those two confused.
Hmmm… should I share this post on facebook, or should I Cher this post on facebook?
This is sure to capitalize on the ultra hot and not at all played out burlesque revival the same way Lucky You did on the super hot poker trend. What? It’s a real movie. Look it up on IMDB.
How the fuck is nobody voting for Marky Mark in that Asylum pole? That wigger taught me and C-tates everything I know about having tight abs, tagging fly ass honeys, and being a cawp, PAH!
Fwap fwap…