It has been 18 years since Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad fought like bitter enemies over the last Turbo-Man doll on Earth for their sons in Jingle All the Way, and although everyone learned a special holiday lesson at the end of that film*, WWE Studios disagrees. Instead, the film arm of the world’s leader in pro wrestling entertainment has announced that not only will it once again team with Fox to produce The Marine 4, but they will also be filming Jingle All the Way 2, starring none other than Mr. Paycheck himself, Larry the Cable Guy.
A fake redneck whose real name is Daniel Whitney, Larry the Cable Guy is no stranger to an action star’s comedic sloppy seconds, as he starred in the 2012 sequel to Tooth Fairy, which originally starred Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. While that connection to the WWE was simply a coincidence, this needless new holiday sequel seems to be a match made in heaven.
“WWE Studios is looking forward to continuing its long standing relationship with Twentieth Century Fox with both THE MARINE 4 and JINGLE ALL THE WAY 2,” said Michael Luisi, President of WWE Studios. “The Miz and Summer Rae will deliver the action and adventure that our audience has come to expect from THE MARINE franchise, and we are equally excited to bring the comedy of Larry the Cable Guy and WWE Superstar Santino Marella to our fan base with JINGLE ALL THE WAY 2.”
“WWE Studios remains a valuable partner and we are pleased to continue to bring these films to their legions of fans across the globe,” said Mike Dunn, President, Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment. “We’re excited to be launching the fourth installment of the tremendously successful franchise, THE MARINE, and to have Larry the Cable Guy on board for JINGLE ALL THE WAY 2, a perfect star for our first family comedy with the WWE Studios.” (Via press release)
It’s important to note that this is apparently the first time that a star of one of The Marine films has returned for the next one, so that’s great news for The Miz, but terrible for Bad Ass Billy Gunn, probably.
As for Jingle All the Way 2, why? Yeah, I know, money. But WHY ELSE? The WWE and Fox could put Larry the Cable Guy in a Christmas movie called Silent But Deadly Night or Old Folks Home for the Holidays or Miracle on 30-Fart Street and still make the same amount of money that it would with Jingle All the Way 2, since nobody gives a reindeer’s ass about this movie if it doesn’t have Arnold and Sinbad in it. Why is it necessary to give this film a sequel that has absolutely nothing to do with the first film other than a title that will make a few hundred thousand stupid people think, “Hey, I remember that movie”?
Because f*ck us, that’s why.
*Except Sinbad. I don’t know what lesson he learned, other than if you make bomb threats at cops, you’ll win in the end.
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