Everyone and their momma does a fall preview, but we have a very clear mission statement here at Uproxx Inc, LTD:
“We are not your momma.”
So our FALL PREVIEW is going to be a little different. A little more sultry. A lot more sensual. And slightly ticklish. Lo and also behold, it’s FALL MOVIES RANKED BY BANGABILITY! In our years of running this site, we think we’ve learned a little something about what the average internet commenter likes, and so we’ve taken your lead to rate this fall’s offerings on a scale of “2/10” to “boner city.”
Note: Fall doesn’t start until September 27. Whatever.
September
WOULD NOT BANG
Dolphin Tale 2 (Sep. 12)
Will clearly be a shell of the seminal first offering, a heartwarming tale of bionic dolphins and Harry Connick Jr., but I do like how they make Dolphin Match.com seem like ER.
No Good Deed (Sep. 12)
Idris Elba should only play a good guy (Pacific Rim) or a gangster who wants to get into the real estate game (The Wire). Anything else is just fool talk.
Tusk (Sep. 19)
I’m just so happy Kevin Smith has stopped making those movies everyone could enjoy! In this one he pretends to make one you’re going to like before shoving the other thing down your face.
A Walk Among the Tombstones (Sep. 19)
More like a NAP among the tombstones, amiriiiiiight?
The Maze Runner (Sep. 19)
A cool concept that will be messed up and left for dead by the dreaded “young adult” paintbrush.
WOULD BANG IN A PINCH
This Is Where I Leave You (Sep. 19)
Admittedly, this is the ol’ fastball right at Laremy’s heart. Familial drama, a couple of laughs, a few beers. This will likely be horrid, but I liked the book. I’m a sap. The book ending is pretty bad, so hopefully they switched that up.
The Boxtrolls (Sep. 26)
Normally this style of animation, we’ll call it “Burton Cutesy” doesn’t do much to me. But this has early “Best Animation” buzz. So I’m going to treat it with a modicum of respect, like I do your dirty uncle.
The Equalizer (Sep. 26)
My soft spot for Ms. Moretz continues. Plus, she’s 17 now, so it’s only like 150x too creepy for a grown man to talk about! Plus, some of Denzel’s “bad” films are actually kind of solid (Book of Eli, Two Guns). This can’t be another Flight. Please God, anything but that.
October
WOULD NOT BANG
Annabelle (Oct. 3)
They’ve got a scary clown on the poster. I haven’t seen that in like two weeks.
Gone Girl (Oct. 3)
Remember that scene in Swingers where the Sue guy, the one who was never seen again, is hating on Jon Favreau about how he’s going to F*** it up with the girl? That’s the studio system with about every movie adaptation ever. [Editor’s Note: YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH, LAREMY, THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME.]
Addicted (Oct. 10)
I’ll let you in on a little industry secret: Lionsgate makes terrible movies. They are mean.
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (Oct. 10)
I’m dinging this because I had to type out the title. Completely unacceptable. And yes, I know it was a book. I didn’t have to type that book title out though.
Dracula Untold (Oct. 10)
I get why they’re doing this – they don’t have to pay for the rights. But they could at least pay for some writing.
The Judge (Oct. 10)
One of the year’s worst trailers. It should win an award for showing us the entire movie in a desperate attempt to lure a few suckers in. Do you think these two will have some sort of catharsis at the end??! Let’s hope! [Editor’s Note: I saw this so that you don’t have to. If you know someone who says this is worth seeing, cut them out of your life forever. Trust me, you’ll be better off.]
The Best of Me (Oct. 17)
I wouldn’t see this movie for anything less than four figures.
Book of Life (Oct. 17)
Looks like it will give your children nightmares for years.
Ouija (Oct. 24)
Has anyone ever figured out how ouija boards work? Like, definitively? I’m just saying, you know? Of course you do, you minx.
Before I Go To Sleep (Oct. 31)
Who doesn’t love the big-eyed scared Nicole Kidman look? Oh, that’s right, me.
Why Don’t You Play in Hell (Oct. 31)
Grabby title at the very least. [Editor’s Note: See it, it’s awesome.]
WOULD BANG IN A PINCH
Men, Women & Children (Oct. 10)
We’re getting yet another chance to allow Adam Sandler to act, in a real movie, for real. I say we at least consider putting an end to the Grown Up series by supporting this. Though, to be fair, it could be Jason Reitman just giving himself some self-love. Man, that was an awkward sentence.
St. Vincent (Oct. 10)
You had me at “Bill Murray”.
Camp X-Ray (Oct. 17)
I like Kristen Stewart, and it looks like she’s trying something here.
Laggies (Oct. 24)
This is like an adorable puppy that you just snuggle until it growls at you. This reminds me of Beautiful Girls, but in reverse.
LET ME LOVE YOU DOWN (EVEN IF IT TAKES ALL NIGHT)
Left Behind (Oct. 3)
A must-see. Nic Cage doing so many Nic Cage things. The Kirk Cameron pedigree. The trollop flight attendant (who you might remember giving it her all in Hall Pass). The book of Revelations. They aren’t going to screen this, because Freestyle Releasing has a PR budget about the size of my something that’s small, but that doesn’t mean we can’t all go opening night. I implore you!
Birdman (Oct. 17)
Looks avant-garde, creepy, and hilarious. I’m in.
Fury (Oct. 17)
I get so much oak tree for this it’s not even funny. This trailer is luscious. It’s all I’ve ever wanted it a movie. I plan on really getting after it when this comes out, bro-night style.
Nightcrawler (Oct. 31)
This is the getting BOFFO reviews outta TIFF, and you gotta earn those. Skinny Jake Gyllenhaal for the win!
November
WOULD NOT BANG
Beyond the Lights (Nov. 14)
Why is she being mean to this little girl? C’mon, Minnie Driver, be cooler and whatnot.
The Penguins of Madagascar (Nov. 26)
Some children’s movies work for adults as well. This is not one of those.
WOULD BANG IN A PINCH
Dumb and Dumber To (Nov. 14)
This really could go either way. The Farrelly Brothers used to do great work, and the first Dumb and Dumber was good times all over the place. Can they re-capture the magic? [Editor’s Note: No, not a f*cking chance.] It’s been a couple decades, so I’m not all that hopeful, but clearly it’s a must-see.
Foxcatcher (Nov. 14)
C-Tates! Old Steve Carell! The only worrisome part is that Steve Carell accent. Not sure what to make of that action. [Editor’s Note: I saw this but haven’t finished my review yet. The short answer is that Steve Carell is great in it, and at least it’s better than Moneyball. But keep in mind, Moneyball was terrible.]
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1 (Nov. 21)
I get excited for these films. They are events. And I’ll go to my grave amazed that mass media produced a compelling allegory about excess and totalitarian states. I mean, young people have to be catching some of this, right?
Horrible Bosses 2 (Nov. 26)
The first one is still eminently watchable in the background while you type up columns. This one won’t be as good, or if it is, it will be because they just copy themselves but even more. That said, I’ll get down with it.
LET ME LOVE YOU DOWN (EVEN IF IT TAKES ALL NIGHT)
Big Hero 6 (Nov. 7)
When Pixar and Disney switched brains it sort of upset me. Now? I’m fine with it. At least someone is still making good animation.
Interstellar (Nov. 7)
Clearly, Christopher Nolan is the Internet’s road dog, but let’s not forget what he did to get there. He made a superhero film into an actual drama, and then he turned a quasi-intellectual dreamscape twisteroo into a billion dollar movie for the masses. The man has unlimited credit with me.
December
WOULD NOT BANG
The Pyramid (Dec. 5)
The “Curse of the Pharaohs” is a mathematical joke. Total bunk that’s been debunked.
Wild (Dec. 5)
Looks like more Eat, Pray, Love, and I say that having read both books. Just a journey of self-discovery a la Into the Wild, but that one was annoying too. I find the self-discovery narrative tiring. [Editor’s Note: Saw this also, also haven’t finished the review. Jean-Marc Valeé has an incredible ability to make a movie that normally wouldn’t be my type of movie into something tolerable, but the fact that this isn’t really my kind of movie remains. Reese Witherspoon shows her boobs a lot.]
Exodus: Gods and Kings (Dec. 12)
The trailer doesn’t look all bad, and that Christian Bale fellow would indicate something potentially good. But he has a sneaky “bomb” history too. You don’t know about it because no one ever sees or hears about them, but just take a look at his IMDB profile. Tell them I sent you. [Editor’s Note: David D had some thoughts on this one that are worth reading before you decide to see it.]
The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (Dec. 19)
It makes me mad that Martin Freeman has been doing this franchise instead of more Sherlock. Perfect world, they’ll walk a bunch in this one.
Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb (Dec. 19)
It’s safe to say the ship has sailed on this one. Sorry mini-Owen Wilson!
The Gambler (Dec. 19)
There’s not a trailer here, but Mark Wahlberg and Brie Larson are in it. Oh, and John Goodman. This could rise to “In a Pinch” if things break just right.
Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (Dec. 24)
Let’s face it, without John Cusack this thing is a tomato can. There’s really no reason in the world this should be anything but a cash grab.
The Interview (Dec. 24)
If the trailer is this unfunny, how awful must the film be? Also, North Korea is nowhere near “the most dangerous country on Earth”. I mean, it’s no Bora Bora, but at least you’ve got a chance at getting released back to ‘Murica.
Into the Woods (Dec. 24)
Another in a long line of rights-free children’s movies. I hope it’s in 3-D!
Paddington (Dec. 24)
If you liked Paddington Bear over Clifford the Big Red Dog I don’t even know what to say to you. Paddy was a bit of a low-rent dude.
Big Eyes (Dec. 24)
But don’t all Tim Burton’s films feature big eyes? Oddly, this looks off-message for Mr. T-Burts. Could be decent.
Selma (Dec. 24)
There’s no trailer here either, but we can guess it’s about Selma, Alabama – and all the fun with oppression that went on there during the Civil Rights Movement. Eat your vegetables!
WOULD BANG IN A PINCH
Unbroken (Dec. 24)
If there hadn’t been so many movies like this I’d be intrigued, which is sort of awful to say given this is based upon a true story. But most of them are! I’m just saying you can see the arc on this puppy a million miles away. [Editor’s Note: It’s based on a pretty good book, even if purplish-prosey narrative non-fiction isn’t your thing.]
Annie (Dec. 12)
This looks surprisingly watchable given there was no life force at all for a remake. [Editor’s Note: Who was the person who told Cameron Diaz that she was funny? Can we find them and tie them up and hit them with socks?]
LET ME LOVE YOU DOWN (EVEN IF IT TAKES ALL NIGHT)
Inherent Vice (Dec. 12)
Paul Thomas Anderson’s new one. Because he’s still three for five in my book (Boogie, Magnolia, Punch-Drunk) I’m willing to get excited here. But I won’t condone another three-hour wandering think piece on the nature of power. [Editor’s Note: Laremy, you ignorant slut. If you don’t like There Will Be Blood I’m going to beat you with bowling pin. Also, Magnolia is PTA’s least good movie. There, I said it.]
Mr. Turner (Dec. 19)
Not sure how many of y’all have even heard of Mike Leigh, but he’s my jam. My jammy jam. He makes movies in such an artful improv way, so they feel much more honest than your average production.
American Sniper (Dec. 24)
Can Clint regain his directorial form? Did you know Bradley Cooper put on 40lbs of muscle to play a Navy SEAL here? I read this book as well, another true story, it feels like a slam-dunk so long as Eastwood doesn’t bring rugby or baseball into the mix.
If I’ve forgotten a film in the seven weeks I spent writing this column, please casually deride me in the comments below. Thanks!
Laremy is on Twitter, just like everyone else trying to spout their propaganda.