I’m going to open this week’s This Week in Posters with this poster for Miles, which made me laugh out loud before I had any idea of why. First off, why is he playing volleyball in a wheat field? Secondly, where is the rest of his hand? Third, why is he looking at the sun when the ball is right in front of him? What the f*ck is this movie even about? Also, seriously? Paul Reiser?
Here’s the synopsis, via IMDb:
High-school senior Miles Walton joins the girls volleyball team in hopes of winning a college scholarship, which causes an uproar in his small Illinois farming town.
Ahhh, now I understand why he’s playing volleyball in a wheat field. It appears the wheat field was visual shorthand for “Illinois farming town.” Let this be a lesson: It’s possible to combine too many visual shorthands and end up with something utterly baffling.
This is part of a series of character posters from Bone Tomahawk. This is the first of them, and I assumed they were all going to make use of the “ominous parenthetical” here, which I enjoy. I don’t know what “(injured)” really means, but it feels like foreshadowing. Sadly, the others don’t follow the same method. That being said, that is an awesome jacket that I would like to own.
These fellas sure are interested in the dirt over there.
At this point I don’t know how many times Kurt Russell has played an old-timey law man, but it’s probably a lot. And it never gets old. This looks awesome for the costumes and facial hair alone, but apparently it’s also about cannibals. Yes, please.
This Tangerine poster is an interesting combination of Drive and a classic exploitation-style tagline. And of course, I was already sold by the time I read “transgender revenge comedy.” Good thing it’s also “electric,” which is up there with “kinetic” and “poetic” when it comes to frequently-used pull quote words that sort of mean something but not really.
“DEEDS NOT WORDS,” is the giant slogan on the poster that is only words. Is this meant to be ironic? I don’t even know anymore.
I like these historical photograph-style posters much better than the slogan series. I don’t know what she’s reacting to here, but it seems dramatic. And that constable has his hand on her bustle! Scandalous!
Oh good, Carey Mulligan has a tendril of hair draping her face while she looks sad, for a second there I was worried I wouldn’t see that in every Carey Mulligan movie.
I wasn’t sure who this was at first (for a second I thought it was Reese Witherspoon) and I had to look it up before I realized it was Anne-Marie Duff (no relation). I thought it might be an actual photograph from the era for a second, so I guess that means the designer did his or her job well.
Side note: How come policemen don’t wear helmets anymore? We should bring that back. Sorry, you don’t get a gun anymore, just a club with a nail in it and this awesome pith helmet.
I like the knife design and the way all the names match up with the faces, but it also makes me wonder why that man is staring into that woman’s chest cavity. I guess it was hard to fit both their heads in that little knife, so they had to offset them. Maybe go head to foot next time? I guess there’s no good solution there.
Oh good, I was worried they were going to turn Charles Schulz’s social commentary into playful avatars of commercial culture again — oops I mean this looks great! I remember these characters from childhood and I love them! Hooray childhood! Take my money!
The “close-eyed headbutt” is a classic poster trope, though usually with a more sun-drenched background (it’s visual shorthand for “romance and/or yearning”).
Also, I read the pull quotes at the top and thought, “at least these are somewhat descriptive,” until I realized the first one was from Pete Hammond. And of course he’s praising some beautiful actress for her brave, brave performance in a film where she slums it a bit. If you’ll remember, he was also all over the marketing for Cake (Jennifer Aniston bravely goes without makeup) and Gimme Shelter (Vanessa Hudgens with facial piercings AND Rosario Dawson with yucky green meth teeth). Hammond is a sucker for any film where a pretty actress gets a little dirt on her face.
In any case, I clicked on the IMDb synopsis to see what Shelter was about and this is what I got:
“Homelessness,” “female frontal nudity,” “female nudity,” and “pubic hair” are the plot keywords. And IMDb wants to know if it’s relevant. To my interests? Absolutely. These are a few of my fav-or-it thiiiiings…
Incidentally, according to this message board, there is also a shot of visible semen. How that didn’t make it into the plot keywords I have no idea. The film was directed by Connelly’s husband, Paul Bettany, incidentally. I hear Paul Bettany is the Orson Welles of visible semen.
“SEE IT AND BE TRANSFORMED!” Sweet, I’m going to buy a ticket and hope I grow ears and a raccoon tail like Mario when he eats a leaf. I kid. But seriously, Pete Hammond has a pull quote in there, so Brie Larson must get dirty or show up without make up at some point. Look at all that dirt! She’s really acting!
Are we lighting candles for the tiger now? Count me in. The Cove was great. Though I have to say, dolphins and tigers are pretty much the lowest hanging fruit of sympathetic animals. What’s next, koala bears and river otters? (I would take a bullet for a river otter.)
This poster is pretty cool, but good God, man, this joke was juuuust clever enough for me to look at the title of the book and go “heh” and never open it. Do we really need an entire movie about it? How much meat is on that bone, really? Has anyone considered that maybe this should’ve been a Funny or Die video?
Here’s the trailer, incidentally.
The scariest place on Earth is my bed? Yes, can confirm.
The heist gone wrong is not her only problem. She also has… glass… exploding… behind her? I’m not exactly sure what her other problems are, actually. Olga Kurylenko has 99 problems but looking not-fabulous ain’t one.
Also, I had to download the super-large version of this just so I could stare at this detail:
That is just beautiful. Who knew James Purefoy (that’s Marc Antony to us Rome freaks) could play “smarmy, vaguely effeminate villain” so well? The man can sneer with the best of them.
Some choices cost everything. Like a diamond the size of a damned papasan chair. That’s an expensive-ass choice. Do you know how much a diamond like that costs? A lot. It costs a whole lot.
Yikes. This movie has two simultaneous kisses of death, the ensemble wrapped in a ribbon, AND a Christmas movie with the family’s name in the title. Of course, there’s a long, proud tradition of terrible Christmas movies that bomb, from Christmas with the Kranks to Surviving Christmas (fun fact: did you know the family’s name in Deck the Halls was “Hall?”). I don’t know if Love the Coopers will be one, but the poster and title sure make it look like one.
All I want to know is who Rutger Hauer plays in this. In fact, I’d like to see Rutger Hauer in “Mother Teresa With a Shotgun,” starring Rutger Hauer as Mother Teresa. “He’s about to pump poverty full of lead.”
If you’ll remember, this is the movie that had all sorts of director drama a few years back. Gavin O’Connor replaced Lynne Ramsay and Natalie Portman stayed on, so I suppose all is good. Anyway, the title is still one letter off an Aerosmith song, and this poster looks exactly how I would imagine a poster for a movie called “Jane Got A Gun” would look, knowing nothing about the movie Jane Got A Gun or the story that it’s based on. It’s a poster, but also a visual illustration of the title.
All I can focus on here is how graceful Luke Mably looks when he runs. That guy runs like Jerry West dribbles a basketball.
This Mockingjay poster looks like something a futuristic Shepard Fairey would design, and I’m going to call that a ringing success.
Pixar’s The Good Dinosaur is full of bold design choices, the way they paired photo-real nature backgrounds with main characters that look unapologetically cartoony. But these supporting characters (this guy and the T-rex from last week) are my favorite of all. They’re sort of goofy with a hint of scary. Like male genitalia.
SYMBOLISM.
The Fifth Wave: This time, it’s literal.
Uh oh, Chloe Moretz has dirt on her face, someone call Pete Hammond.
Now that’s how you do an old-school poster right.
Vince Mancini is a writer and comedian living in San Francisco. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.