3D commercials coming all over your face

Senior Editor
04.06.10 16 Comments

As if it wasn’t enough to charge you more for 3D movie tickets, you’ll now be subjected to 3D commercials prior to your 3D movies.  The accompanying Hollywood Reporter article is a veritable Nazi orgy of awful marketing douche-speak.

A father at an aquarium reaches into the tank, carves out a block of water full of manta rays and fish and brings it home, placing it into a Samsung television set in his living room. When he and his family don 3D glasses and settle onto the sofa, the sea life swims out of the TV toward them. “Ever wonder how amazing it would be to experience life in another dimension?” asks the voice-over.

I have wondered that.  Then one time I actually turned my eyes away from the screen, and when I saw the world present itself to me in three dimensions, I sh*t my pants in fear.  My game had been changed.  And two or three days later, so had my underwear.

“3D is a new dimension, literally and figuratively,” says Peggy Ang, vp marketing communications for the consumer electronics division of Samsung Electronics America.

…and the sound of a million people groaning simultaneously echoed throughout the city.

“In the past three months, we’ve seen more interest from advertisers than you can humanly imagine,” says Cliff Marks, president of sales and marketing at NCM Media Networks, the digital in-theater network that includes AMC Entertainment, Cinemark Holdings and Regal Entertainment Group.

More interest than I can imagine humanly?  What if I pretend to be a sea otter, then will I be able to imagine it?  Please, I just want to know more about this exciting business opportunity.

“We’d all be fooling ourselves if we said it was a fad at this point,” Marks adds. “3D is here to stay, and consumers love it. It is one of the most exciting opportunities to come our way in cinema in a long time. As brands learn how to use it, both cinema and TV will benefit.  We all have to agree that ‘Avatar’ has changed the world.”

We have to agree?  Or else what?  We get sent to camps?  That’s a very “sky person” way of thinking, you know.  What a mentally sick bunch of primates we all are.

Anyway, I just like how marketing people spend so long telling hyperbolic lies for a living that they become literally incapable of making a true statement.

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