FilmDrunk

Adult School! A Thorough Ranking Of 9 Films In Which The Protagonists Infiltrate High School Or College

Today we will present to you, in the spirit of 22 Jump Street (Which Vince went waaaaaaay too easy on here), a listing of other films where people went undercover to attempt to pass as high school or college students. This is because we strive for timeliness and relevancy here at FilmDrunk corp. In fact, that’s on our family crest, which you can only see if you get invited to the back room of a Buffalo Wild Wings. In hindsight, it was a weird choice to put our hideout there, but there’s no going back. We’ve got a lease! Regardless, here’s the list, which we ranked using a proprietary random number generator system. Don’t agree with our rankings? Take it up with the machines, man, and don’t complain if you end up getting robof*cked. 1. Jennifer’s Body

I would maintain that Megan Fox invades the high school because she’s some sort of alien monster who kills the fellas during sex (and not in a good way). Her main adversary in the film is nicknamed “Needy”, which of course is as stupid as it is dumb. Anyway, Needy is played by Amanda Seyfried who herself played a femme fetale in the almost unwatchable (except for the parts where Seyfried channels Penthouse Letters in a monotone voice) Chloe. Sadly, this is not a very good movie, though it is a halfway decent song by the band Hole. An excerpt of the lyrics goes as follows:

They found pieces of Jennifer’s Body / Just relax, just relax, just go to sleep.

In a random coincidence, this is what I say to my victims. It’s possible that I subconsciously channel the song though. I wouldn’t put it past myself when myself is in a murderous rage.

2. The Girl Next Door

We all dream of a porn star moving next door during our youth … but it so rarely happens. Porn ladies aren’t generally found in high school, they would definitely be considered a conquering army. This was about the best trailer ever all the way back in 2004. Insta-chubby. My recollection of the time was that porn was plentiful but not really high def, free, and streaming on your smart phone. So even though we were well past the age when you couldn’t find anything but an Easy Rider mag, it was still a refreshing treat. It was also rated R, meaning they didn’t skimp on flesh, though it ended up making very few dollars because the fourteen-year-olds who actually wanted to get down with it had to buy tickets to other movies and sneak in. The Whole Ten Yards owes this film a debt of gratitude.

3. Mr. Belvedere Goes to College This is not the ’80s Mr. Belvedere played by the incomparable Christopher Hewett. That guy was the kindly English butler every kid who grew up with laissez faire parents dreamed of. He’d make you a cup of cocoa, he’d crack wry jokes, he’d give you big giant bear hugs that were in no way the work of a sexual predator. Truly, that guy was the best. As for the movie, it came out in 1949, after the big war, and Mr. Belvedere was played by Clifton Webb. Only around a dozen still living people have seen it, but the general consensus is it’s pretty quality. Still, let’s embed a legit modern Belvedere clip instead.

4. Ernest Goes to School You kids wouldn’t know it now but this “Ernest” character used to be the hottest thing under the son (Jesus). He had catch phrases that people would use on each other, things like “Hey Vern, you talking to me, Vern?” or “Know what I mean, Vern?” But then Vern never answers and it leads to this other thing where there was some joke that involved Ernest going to camp or school. Ernest was … sort of this Southern Jim Carrey-esque goober/buffoon who was pretty much killing it circa 1987-1991. Seriously, Ernest was knee deep in the lady parts, which is quite the disconcerting imagery if you stop to ponder it. Ernest was also, well, earnest, which I’m not sure if they did on purpose or not. It was all up front with this guy, what you saw was what you saw. As far as Ernest Goes to School, it was a direct-to-video monstrosity that featured an appalling lack of ambition and ability. The IMDB page for this little sucker doesn’t even feature box art. For all intents and purposes, this will not be noticed when the robots inventory our stuff. However, one thing that does deserve mentioning is the plot here. Ernest is working as a janitor at a high school when an edict (madate?) comes down from on high (where they always come from) that all employees must have at least a high school degree. Yes, including Ernest. He’s got to finish school to keep his f****** janitor job. How about that for a social commentary! Let them eat the little cakes at the bottom of the urinals! Anyway, I’m glad the era of Ernest is over, and I’m glad Vern largely ignored his antics. Vern was the erudite ruling class.

5. Never Been Kissed

If you just break this one down logically it would seem that a male teacher really wanted to get dirty with a student (Drew Barrymore), and then was allowed to later on because she was actually an adult. Basically, it’s the Barrymore lie that makes the lecherous fella into a hero. You wanna talk about a male fantasy under the guise of a “chick flick”? I’m also not completely sure as to why she hasn’t been kissed. I mean after all, she’s Drew Barrymore. A lot of writers would have said, “Drew ‘freaking Barrymore” there but I showed a bunch of restraint. The fact that she never got drunk and made out with someone means she’s a control freak who will probably murder you if you break up with her. Typical.

6. Old School At least Old School has the guts to flout societal norms as Luke Wilson plows Elisha Cuthbert, though if memory serves they use the whole “she’s an 18-year-old” senior logic. It’s all fun and games until someone rolls with a statutory. Next up, they don’t have Vince Vaughn cheat on on his lady, though he’s tempted. Honestly, it would have been a good idea. Earmuffs. Gotta feel alive again, bro! There’s a pretty solid scene to hit puberty here to with the dual ladies in the jello (or mud?) pit going topless. Craig Kilborn plays a slimeball, he does that plenty, even though I pretty much liked him on “Sportscenter” and the original “Daily Show”. He used to say “If it feels good, stroke it” as part the sports highlights package which was both subversive ad awesome. I think I was like 13 when I heard that and grinned for daaaaayzzzz. Ah, the weekends of long showers and short jackets.

7. Billy Madison You have to admire a couple of things here. 1) The continual reference to penguins. Random, yet great. 2) Steve Buscemi, and his lipstick wearing ways. Sidenote/Namedrop: I interviewed Steve Buscemi once and he’s very shy and quiet. Tell everyone you know about that anecdote. It’s a keeper. Billy Madison has to go back to school to impress his fathaaa, who runs a galactic empire that Billy wants to rule over, nepotism style, in the grand tradition of inhereting great wealth based entirely upon the merits of others. He does, progressing a grade per week, for some reason, and he meets a teacher who he crushes on. Eventually she wears a viking hat and they get it on. No word is ever given whether or not nudie magazine day continues or is scuttled.

8. Superbad Probably only counts on a technicality, the boys infiltrate a college party for booze procurement, but it also has the greatest singing scene ever. I will just embed that and move on, having made your day 1000 percent better.

9. Back to the Future

I haven’t watched this film since it was in theaters, because I like to keep it super real. My admittedly fuzzy recollection is that he has to pass as a high school student so that he can kiss his mom. Hmm, that may not be right. He has do or undo something so that he’s born in the future? That’s got to be closer, and besides killing Hitler or inventing a boss sex toy it’s really the only reason anyone would go back at all. Christopher Lloyd did a cameo in A Million Ways to Die in the West (which should have been titled “A Million Ways to Waste Money on a Film“). He looked the exact same. It was uncanny. He must have been one of those people who aged prematurely, like Benjamin Button, and is just now looking like he is, like Greg Oden. I just did some research and he’s 75 now. He looked about that in the first movie, so my theory is correct, much in the same way my “The Discovery Channel was really onto something with that fake mermaid video” is. Crushing it. That’s all folks! Leave your own mean comments or suggestions below, we’re all counting on you.

Vince’s Note: I begged, implored, cajoled, fingerbanged Laremy, demanding that he include “Back To School,” the original dude-infiltrating-college movie in this list, such an obvious inclusion on this list that it’s called “Back To School” for chrissakes. Not only that, it’d make this meet the internet standard of a list with 10 parts! “People are going to write angry letters!” I pleaded. But Laremy would not be moved. “Let ’em riot,” he said. The man has integrity. Follow Laremy on Twitter, he’s awesome at times!

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