Alex Pettyfer Is Channing Tatum, Son

As we’ve previously discussed, the hardest twerkin’, lay it down, flip it and reverser in show bizna$ty, Channing Tatum and director Steven Soderbergh wrapped the action film Haywire (starring my beloved Gina Carano) and they immediately began developing Magic Mike, the story of Channing Tatum’s days as a male stripper. Imagine how shocked and actin’ the fool we were when it was revealed that Tatum would not play himself, but a mentor to an actor playing him. According to the Los Angeles Times, I Am Number Four psycho crybaby star Alex Pettyfer* will play the lead role in Magic Mike.

Tatum will play a mentor to Pettyfer’s character, teaching him how to work his manly magic on and off a Chippendales-esque stage.

The “Dear John” star and former stripper pitched the film to Soderbergh, of “Traffic” and “Erin Brockovich” fame, who called the idea “sexy, funny and shocking” and said he has a vision for the movie along the lines of “Saturday Night Fever.”

Pettyfer, of course, has raised eyebrows for his behavior over the past year or so, especially after his public relationship drama with Glee’s Dianna Agron and the mysterious fire at his house in February. Fortunately, I spoke with Tatum, who of course prefers I call him C-Tates, and he said it is not anything except for a poultry appendage:

“Yo check it, son. Save yo drama fo yo mama. C-Tates ain’t deal wit no triflin’ hoes, heard? Dis Magic Mike movie, right? Dis is C-Tates’ Henn an Hypno, son. Da top of Mount Errrrest, heard? I ain’t gonna let no punk ass beeyotch on my set, unless dat cracka wanna deal wit da bizznass end of my Tech 9 RATTA TAT TAT, WHAT! But yo, check it girl, dis Alex Prettyfool be like da real deal, B. I’m like, Yo Alex, don’t be f*ckin’ wit C-Tates’ coin, respek da burn dick dat you bouty bout 2 play, son. And he be like, Yo C-Tates, I gots mad respek, playboi. And I’m like, Proper. Peace in da middle east, heard?”

*Any time I see or hear Pettyfer, I immediately think of this.