Despite my best wishes, Channing Tatum has some new buzz around him as Focus Features is pimping their golden boy’s epic Roman adventure, The Eagle of the Ninth, set for a Feb. 25 release next year. Tatum will play the son of… what’s that? OK, OK, get off my back already… Channing would much rather explain his next role himself, so I apologize in advance:
Awwwwwwwww yeah, ya boi C-Tate up in the bizznatch like a snizznatch! The FilmDrank Man Skank wit da feets dat can’t be beats all up in ya grills today wiff Da Eagle of Da Ninf, and naw girl dat ain’t no Tiger Woods film, haha for real. Yo girl, I’m playin’ Marcus Aquila, and like my pops goes missin’, which is legit, like when yo pops went out for a pack of Newports and he ain’t never come home neither. Yo girl, I’m sorry I brought that up. I’ll make you feel better by letting me gets a beej.
Yo Hollywood News, watch yo daughter do work, son:
“The Eagle of the Ninth” will open Feb. 25. A Roman epic adventure, “Ninth” is set in 140 AD, 20 years after the unexplained disappearance of the entire Ninth Legion in the mountains of Scotland. Young centurion Marcus Aquila (Channing Tatum) arrives from Rome to solve the mystery and restore the reputation of his father, the commander of the Ninth. Accompanied only by his British slave, Esca (Jamie Bell), Marcus sets out across Hadrian’s Wall into the uncharted highlands of Caledonia – to confront its savage tribes, make peace with his father’s memory, and retrieve the lost legion’s golden emblem, the Eagle of the Ninth. The movie also stars Donald Sutherland, Mark Strong, and Tahar Rahim.
Yo girl, I’m kinda pissed, right? At first I thought that was Rakim with Eric B., nawmsayin’? But naw, just some punk ass pretender, so I was all like, Yo FilmDrank, I’m gonna bust a rhyme flava tight to explain my new movie. Yo girl, I hope you ain’t wearing no Aqua Net because I’m about to spit fire:
Yo my name’s C-Tate, and I like to ‘bate, but I’m always takin’ time to make yo sister feel great. Now I’m goin’ back to Rome, put a cap in yo dome, and say hello to yo mama cuz I miss her suckin’ chrome. And I’m a gladiator killin’ lions all dope, and at the ends of the day I’m slinging rock wit da pope. Ya heard da Chann, cuz I is da man, and I’m gonna bang my slave in her nonny and her can.
Yo girl, C-Tate’s out, Burnsy’s out, Cho-Cho’s out. You haves yo’self a happy mammorial day and we all be like, Drank Drank Drank next week. Legit, aight? C-TATE WHAT! WHAT!