The Alison Stevenson Guide to Date Movies

Inviting someone over to watch a movie with you is pretty much universal code for “let’s have sex, but pretend that was not the intention for tonight so we don’t feel so morally perverse.” Now, some of you might not put a lot of thought into the movie you’re going to play for you and your date, but I am here to tell you that it matters. The film you choose is very important in setting the mood, and in many cases is also a valid expression of who you are, and what kind of lover you will be. Through much trial and error I have figured out the perfect films to play before the long long night of lovemaking.

Oh man let me just say nothing gets a girl hornier than a 90-pound Jared Leto. Fellas, don’t worry, you got Jennifer Connelly AND Ellen Burstyn to ogle at throughout the movie too. Wait, wait check this out: Ellen Burstyn? More like Ellen BURST IN…MY PANTS! Ha, that was just a side joke for you free of charge you’re welcome (I’m sorry).

Anyways, this is a cool movie that’s like four different movies in one and it has Marlon Wayans in it so you know it’ll be funny. It’s got all the perfect ingredients any good “horn me up” movie needs. Sex, drugs, and violins.

Wow, I can not stress enough how important it is to watch every single Lord of the Rings movie on a date. You can’t just pick one. If you do it ruins the vibe completely. Imagine just watching Fellowship of the Ring knowing you could easily pop in Two Towers right after but you don’t? Both of you get a giant case of hobbit blue balls, which actually aren’t that giant, but still you get my point. Invite your date over early, like at 10 am. By 3 am after all three epic films have been watched (including special features) you’ll both be completely revved up and ready for some action. Trust me! It’s been scientifically proven that hearing the words “my precious” repeatedly for several hours is the foreplay equivalent to licking each other’s armpits. Super. Hot.

The Human Centipede. This one’s a little more on the kinky side sure, but nothing says classy like a snobby European film. If you’re feeling body conscious, then this is an extra good selection. Play this film and see how much disgusting, vile, and totally gross ass-to-mouth images this person can take. If they can last the whole film seeing a person literally eat shit, then chances are your thigh cellulite and butt pimples will be beauty in comparison.

This is a great movie regardless of whether or not it’s for a date, but still perfect for a night in with your boo cause it hits the funny bone real hard, which is the most erogenous zone in the human body. Look at it this way, you got not just one Adam Sandler, but two! Plus, the second one is dressed as a woman! I made the mistake of seeing this for the first time in a theater. It was a mistake because I laughed so hard that I came which is the worst thing you can do in a movie theater especially if you’re mom is sitting right next to you, but hey don’t blame me. Blame the folks over at Shloobity-Boop-Za-Ding-Dong Productions. That is the name of Adam Sandler’s production company right?

The History Channel did the whole world a favor by making the sexiest war battle in American history come alive in a two-hour documentary special narrated by Sam Rockwell (the white Morgan Freeman). I mean not only is it fun but it’s also educational. I recommend you and your date whip out some college ruled notebooks and take notes while watching the film. Then, you give each other cute little quizzes at the end, and if your date fails deny them sex until they learn to have more respect for the people that lost their lives so Abraham Lincoln could be a hero.

You’re a grown up sure, but let’s face it, a kid at heart! Putting in a cute little cartoon, shows that you’re playful and don’t take life too seriously. Sure you got a job, and rent to pay but sometimes you like to think about fictional anime creatures. You wonder, hey what if I was a Pokemon master? Don’t be afraid to talk about this with your date, and please go into great detail. Also, be sure to show off any other Pokemon gear you’ve saved over the years. Including the trading cards, video games, dolls, underwear, comics, hats, night light, pajamas, and figurines. Bring these out all at once and I’m telling you, your date is going to be more turned on than a faucet in Howie Mandel’s bathroom. Then when they see you crying your eyes out at the extremely emotional scene where Pikachu is afraid he might have just lost Ash forever. Let’s just say, they’re not even going to care about a condom cause they want to make a baby with you.

Cool teen flick about teens doing teen stuff like drinking beer at the park, partying, having sex with 12-year-olds, and getting HIV. Need I say more?

This is a good one to watch with someone you very recently met. Like maybe you just picked them up at a bar. That’s what I did once on accident. I just needed him to watch something while I excused myself to go barf in the toilet. When I got back, he had four condoms on and a helmet.