FilmDrunk

The Best of Chet Haze’s Reddit Account (Allegedly)

If you’re not aware, “Chet Haze” is the nom de rap employed by Tom Hanks’ second son, Chester, currently a theater-majoring fraternity dude at Northwestern. Long story short, he’s a human caricature, and he’s endlessly entertaining. Yesterday, Tom Hanks’ youngest son, Truman, did an AMA on Reddit, where the following exchange took place:

[–]Thanksy[S]
Haha I love Chet! He was a lot bigger than me when we were younger, so
when I annoyed him (which was a lot) he would rough me up (a lot). But
now that we are older, we are very close, like I am with Colin and
Elizabeth.

As for his music, I like some of it and other not so much. Hollywood
is good. I’ve never been one for hip-hop, except for some exceptions
in a few songs.

[–]chethaze
Love you bro. Surprised to see you on the front page! Congrats.

[–]ThaBomb
Holy moly, this is actually Chet. I just went through his post
history, and about 80% are posts on gonewild trying to pick up girls,
15% are cool stories from being around celebrities so often, and 5%
are pics of his bongs posted in /r/trees.

Obviously, we have no way of knowing whether http://www.reddit.com/user/chethaze is the real Chet Haze, but if it isn’t, it’s the most brilliant parody in the history of parodies, and the author must not be particularly interested in his work being read, because immediately after the above exchange, Reddit’s “Chet Haze” started a thread about how to delete his commenting history. Thankfully he didn’t figure that out before I got to it, because it is amazing. Let’s just say ThaBomb’s characterization is fairly accurate. I’ve compiled my favorites after the jump, in sections.

Compliments to Cam Girls (all on different posts)

So amazing girl.

I’ve got a weak spot for that pose in image 5. We need more, sexy lady.

You gotta be kidding girl, that ass is amazing.

More of this please. Love the look and your body.

Soooo Hot! Friended. Hope to see more in the future.

She’s hot

That was amazing. I love the anal stuff. Don’t see too much of that around. Would love to check out more.

Props to you for doing that. I’d love it if my girl did that.

I’d love to stroke it girl.

You can laser hair removal your ass? Does that hurt?

PERFECT Girl. You should come to Chicago. I’d love to take you out.

That girl is hot, they should let the show go on.

I’d make it overflow. Just sayin [From a post entitled “my p*ssy a(f)ter the hubby was finished pounding and filling it.”]

Girl I’d go for a drive with you on the 405 at 5pm.

Big fan Hayden, would you ever appear in a music video? [From an AMA with adult star Kayden Kross]

So hot. Just went through your pics girl. Keep it up. Sexy as hell.

Girl you are so fine. You should come out to Chicago. Love to take you out some time.

She’s hot bro. Got more pics?

I’ll lick it girl.

So amazing. I’m fascinated by the psychology of people who crave actual interaction with their porn. “Nice sex! High five?” You think he actually called Kayden Kross “Hayden” on accident, or was that just a diabolical, Mystery-style negging pick-up strategy? I’m leaning towards the latter.

Which brings us to our next subheading…

Stories about Encounters with Celebrities

Stories about Encounters with Celebrities

Jim’s a real down to earth dude. He surprised me at my 6th birthday and came in character as Ace Ventura. I was the coolest kid in school after that. [Jim Carrey]

Hate to have been there. He cursed out my brother once for literally no reason. [about Matthew Perry]

I wouldn’t f*ck with Seagal. I saw that dude knock someone out on set with a single kick one time. It was an accident and he was very apologetic about it. Didn’t even seem like he was trying.

The Seagal post was actually a link to FilmDrunk, and my story about Judo Gene Lebell. EEEEP! Chet Haze has read FilmDrunk!

I’ve got a pretty good Nic Cage story. When I was like 12 or 13, my parents were buying a painting from him so we go over to his house and I remember it was a pretty big place in Bel Air. We walk in and there is no furniture, no family photos, nothing. As I looked around I noticed he was basically using that giant crib as a storage facility. Even had a few classic cars sitting in the living room. Turns out he lived at another place and just bought that house for storage. That being said he was super nice and let my brother and I pretend drive some priceless jag in the house.

Chet Haze discussing his encounters with Nic Cage. Holy hell this is the best day ever.

Miscellaneous

I was just in Africa this summer and it was some life changing sh*t. Really makes you think.

That is… so absolutely perfect. The archetypal Existential Buffoon.

Bro first off are you for real? I dont even know if I should take your message seriously. Have I jacked off with an apple? WTF does that even mean? I’m not into that homo stuff but I dont judge. If you want to stick things up your ass thats your business but I still feel like it would hurt really f*cking bad and thats why I think its a terrible idea. To be honest I think you just need to get some girls and that snatch will make you forget about all of this stuff man. Just trying to give you some advice. No homo.

You know where I could get some Cuban cigars and bottles? I’m thinking there is a gold mine down there we haven’t accessed. Would be cool to get a contact in Cuba for this.

Again, we can’t say for certain if this is Chet Haze, but this is either Chet Haze or a brilliant cyber identity thief with no apparent motive.

The first time I read about Chet Haze, I thought he couldn’t possibly be real. He’s like Jamie Kennedy in Malibu’s Most Wanted come to life. All I wanted to do was make fun of him. Okay, so I still can’t resist making fun of him, BUT, the guy is so seemingly impervious to ridicule and relentlessly positive, I can’t help but sort of like him. I had to write this post because the whole story entertained the hell out of me, but if Chet Haze ever starts self-editing because of stuff like this, we will have destroyed something beautiful.

UPDATE: Chet Haze is already denying it.

[Thanks to Dan and Jimmy for the tips]

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