08.31.09 9 years ago 21 Comments

Okay, fess up: do you know anyone who saw The Final Destination this weekend?  I know a few people (biblically, boosh), and I’m pretty sure no one I know saw it.  Yet it made almost $30 million and was number one at the box office this weekend.  Which leads me to believe there’s a giant underground city out there somewhere full of  three million toothless Final Destination-loving yokels.  Now there’s your horror movie plot.  Wait, no — chick with huge tits discovers underground yokel city.  There, now it’s perfect.  Pay me.  ADDITIONAL FUN FACT: This week’s number one was originally slated for home video release.  That’s right, some movie execs actually overestimated the country’s intelligence level.  That’s it, I’m buying a helmet.

Elsewhere, Nikki Finke writes:

But even Hollywood is embarrassed by the fact that this weekend’s Top 4 competing films featuring horror, death, gore, mayhem, war, Nazis, aliens, and sci-fi all did so well at the box office. “What a sad statement on movie-going humanity,” a top studio exec emailed me. “And let’s look at the ratings for the top 4 movies at the box office tonight: ‘R’, ‘R’, ‘R’, and ‘R’. Yikes.”

Oh please. Hollywood is embarrassed about Nazis now? They make a new Holocaust movie every two weeks. Or does it not count as a Nazi movie if there’s also a pianist with Bell’s Palsy? And aside from Final D and H2 Inglourious Basterds and District 9 clocked in at number two and four, and both of those are clearly films aimed at literate adults, which is about the best we can hope for in the age of G-Force and Paul Blart.  But I can see how the success of challenging, auteur-driven, R-rated flicks might be scary to someone who spends all day preparing Venn diagrams about Kevin James talking to zoo animals.  Dear “top studio exec”: F yourself.  F yourself in your huge vagina.

Speaking of Inglourious Basterds, it fell 47% in its second weekend and earned $20 million, which ain’t bad.  It’s got a chance to hit $100 million, which would be a victory for people who like real movies, creative freedom, and cocaine.

District 9 is likewise kicking ass.  Nice to see an independent sci-fi film compete with G.I. Joe holy crap how is that still in the top 10.  Was it any good?  I’ll have to take another vacation in a few months so I can catch it on the plane.  I already subjected myself to Transformers 2 this year, no way I’m watching Channings Tatums mumble his way through that ass pile.

The other big story is the decision to put out Final Destination (New Line/WB) and Halloween II (Weinstein) on the same weekend, when they’re clearly competing for the exact same audience.  That was a dumb decision.  Luckily, it didn’t involve anything that I care about.

Oh hey look at that.  G-Force has made $111 million.  Here’s my visual interpretation of how that makes me feel:

1 The Final Destination $28,335,000 $9,079 $28,335,000
2 Inglourious Basterds $20,041,000 (-47.3%) $6,332 $73,760,000
3 Halloween 2 $17,405,000 $5,754 $17,405,000
4 District 9 $10,700,000 (-41.3%) $3,365 $90,813,000
5 G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra $8,000,000 (-34.5%) $2,307 $132,436,000
6 Julie & Julia $7,400,000 (-15.9%) $2,956 $70,992,000
7 The Time Traveler’s Wife $6,745,000 (-30.8%) $2,278 $48,193,000
8 Shorts $4,870,000 (-24.0%) $1,568 $13,565,000
9 Taking Woodstock $3,749,000 $2,691 $3,749,000
10 G-Force $2,845,000 (-30.9%) $1,477 $111,801,000

Sources: CHUD, HitFix, NikkiFinke

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