C-Tates smashes weekend box, John Carter gets another coffin nail

Proving to the bizzy yet again that the C-Tates = C-Notes, 21 Jump Street took home an estimated $35 million in North America at the box office over the weekend, the second biggest opening for an R-rated comedy released outside of summer (behind Jackass 3D). C-Tates joints now make up two of the top four opening weekends of 2012 (21 Jump Street at number four, The Vow at two) and the number two movie of the year (The Vow). SMASHIN BOX ALL DAY, SON, HOO! HOO!

The action comedy also compares well against other TV adaptations from the past decade. It wound up slightly below Get Smart ($38.7 million) and S.W.A.T. ($37.1 million), but it was higher than The Dukes of Hazzard ($30.7 million), Starsky and Hutch ($28.1 million), Miami Vice ($25.7 million) and The A-Team ($25.7 million). [BoxOfficeMojo]

Meanwhile, John Carter dropped another 55 percent for $53 million total (and $179 million worldwide), but with a budget rumored to be as high as $350 million, it all but guarantees that there won’t be a sequel, and locks up a worst-marketing-campaign-of-the-year award for Disney. Never underestimate the power of an amazingly bland title. You think Avatar would’ve made a billion dollars if it had been called “Jake Sully?” The sad thing is, I saw John Carter over the weekend and it was actually pretty good; certainly as good as one could possibly expect an adaptation of 100-year-old sci-fi pulp to be. Now, Battleship is probably going to make more money, which is as good evidence as any that God is dead.

Sidenote for people who also saw John Carter: Am I the only one who thinks it’s weird that John Carter seemingly fought an entire whole space war without ever finding out whether the alien princess he fell in love with actually had a functioning vagina? I think it would’ve been more realistic if he was like “One question before I save your planet, Mars lady: Do you have a pussy?” Or maybe there’s a twist ending, where after all he’s done she’s like “What’s wrong, John Carter? Does my gnarled crotch nubbin compare unfavorably to your Earth girls? I tried to make it extra mucousy for you.” And then the credits roll as John Carter vomits into a space pillow for ten minutes.

1. “21 Jump Street,” $35 million ($7 million international).
2. “Dr. Seuss’ the Lorax,” $22.8 million ($11.6 million international).
3. “John Carter,” $13.5 million ($40.7 million international).
4. “Project X,” $4 million ($5.6 million international).
5. “A Thousand Words,” $3.8 million.
6. “Act of Valor,” $3.7 million.
7. “Safe House,” $2.8 million ($3.5 million international).
8. “Journey 2: The Mysterious Island,” $2.5 million ($5 million international).
9. “Casa de mi Padre,” $2.2 million.
10. “This Means War,” $2.1 million ($9.2 million international).