It’s been a few months since I tossed out my last batch of stupid movie pitches, and, somehow, no one from Tinseltown has contacted me about any of them. Not even Clone Heist. I know, I’m shocked, too. I guess that’s Hollywood for ya, always looking a gift horse in the mouth, and sometimes spitting on it while shouting “I DIDN’T EVEN ASK FOR A HORSE. I WANTED AN AUDI” like a spoiled teenager.
But I will not be deterred, so here’s another horse, you jerks. I’ve compiled a list of seven more pitches that are free for the taking. This time we’ve got everything from vampires to free-spending dogs to Jason Statham fighting crime from a hot air balloon. Don’t say I never did anything for you.
And away we go…
Photo credit: Shutterstock
Title: Rocked & Loaded
Ideal Star(s): Channing Tatum, Olivia Wilde
Summary: After noticing that a string of cross-country armored truck robberies match up curiously well with the touring schedule for an indie band named Titanium Octopus, the FBI decides to send in an agent to investigate. Enter Special Agent Trent Hammer (Tatum), the bureau’s top man, who specializes in long-term undercover investigations, having just completed a two-year stretch deep inside the dangerous Beezlebub’s Militia motorcycle gang. Agent Hammer assumes the identity of an online music journalist named Nicholas Corduroy (insert montage set to Sleigh Bells of Agent Hammer getting a new hipster-y wardrobe and a crash-course in indie music, which you can tell he hates because he makes a face when they put the headphones on him), and gets the band to agree to let him tag along on their West Coast swing from San Francisco to San Diego as research for a “story” he’s doing about them.
But there’s a problem. Agent Hammer quickly falls for both the rock and roll lifestyle and the band’s righteous, tattooed lead singer, Veronica Helix (Wilde, with jet-black hair and a leather jacket), who turns out to be the mastermind behind the armored truck robberies. And complicating things even more, after the Los Angeles show, Hammer overhears the band’s drummer and bassist discussing the next score: they’re going to hit two trucks in San Diego the day of the last stop on the tour, play the show that night, then cross the border and keep driving until they get to Brazil. Once there, they plan to adopt new identities, live off their ill-gotten gains, and go down in history as legends thanks to the “story” Hammer/Corduroy will write about them.