Senior Editor
10.15.09 30 Comments

Dear John is the latest film adapted from a Nicholas Sparks novel (The Notebook, Message in a Bottle, A Walk to Remember, Nights in Rodanthe).  I’ve never read one of his books, but I’ve heard they’re very popular among women who like to have a good cry for reasons not relating to fatness.   In this one, directed by Lasse Hallström (Cider House Rules, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape) with a script by Jamie Linden (We Are Marshall), Channing Tatum plays a soldier who surfs and does other stuff that involves taking his shirt off, and meets Amanda Seyfried, a pretty college student who loves the way he occasionally mumbles stuff at her.  But just as they discover they’re soul mates, he has to go kill bad guys.  They write each other romantic letters every day that she covers in perfume and glitter and seals with a kiss from her vag lips.  Then he comes home and they get married and live happily ever after, until she gets fat and he can’t hold a job on account of his PTSD.  But Thursdays they do karaoke*.

*This last part’s more of an educated guess.

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