Get ready to double the C-Tates and double your fizznun, as Jupiter Ascending has both a new poster and trailer to keep your whack asses in check today. Starring Channing Tatum as the intergalactic bounty hunter Caine and Mila Kunis as Jupiter Jones, the unknowing queen whom he must save, Jupiter Ascending appears to be the most ambitious project yet for Lana and Andy Wachowski. Just take a look at this amazing new poster and the way that they have transformed our boy C-Tates into the baddest mother f*cker in all this dope ass galaxy.
Now Caine isn’t just your ordinary badass alien bounty hunter with a goatee and pointy ears. He’s a “genetically-engineered ex-military hunter,” which means that he’s the kind of playboy who doesn’t care where his laser beams hit, as long as they do what they were intended to do – f*ckin’ kill, yo. But what happens when some fly ass boo finds her way into da dopest bounty hunter’s heart? Mad love, son.
On an honest note, did you ever think, in a million years, we’d get to the point where I’d write a sentence that includes “Starring Channing Tatum as the intergalactic bounty hunter Caine…”? I still can’t wrap my brain around the fact that Channing Tatum is an A-lister headlining an epic sci-fi visual masterpiece created by the Wachowskis. Sure, it might suck as hard as a Matrix sequel, but I doubt it. I don’t want to slip and fall into a 10,000-word essay that ultimately proves the existence of God, all in the name of making sense of C-Tates’s career, so I’ll leave it to the wise words of the eternal Liz Lemon: “An hour for the year? Am I supposed to just scratch the surface of Channing Tatum’s meteoric rise?”