Charlie Sheen: “Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my sabre.”

Charlie Sheen is doing it live right now on TMZ, and it’s a little silly to pretend anyone’s doing anything else but sitting here under our troll bridges with our ugly troll wives and being in awe of this outer-space warrior king.  Quotes so far:

AA is the gibberish of fools.

If you follow my plan everyone wins.  If you follow their plan, it’s very terrestrial based, and…

Rock bottom?  That’s a fishing term.

[On the Goddesses and people’s criticism] They can’t process it and all they are is jealous, and they’re like I can’t stop thinking about it with my ugly wife and I’m losing and he’s winning!

Why didn’t Les Moonves fire Chuck Lorre and embarrass him in front of his children when he was on a campaign to destroy me? It’s like, your clean up hitter’s on the bench and just ready to crush.

[Just compared himself to a prisoner getting “shanked in the yard.”]

I’m a grandiose life, and I’m embracing it.  I got wisdom and I got stories, man. Sorry, the scoreboard doesn’t lie.

[On Two and a Half Men] I started it, and I continued it, and Chuck was there to support it.

“Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my sabre.

Holy sh*t, he has rocket fuel in the tip of his sabre?  How do they even do that?  Does that mean this sabre glows blue-hot like an elven blade? I need to hang out at Charlie Sheen’s house. [This post is ongoing]

Are you guys starting to get the winning concept?  Anyone? I’m sorry my life’s so much more bitchin’ than yours. Winning.

Not all of this is totally serious.  There’s a reason that I have MAD success in comedy.

You’re a ballplayer, you know the scoreboard doesn’t lie.  My scoreboard doesn’t lie.

When you threaten the safety of my family, we go to war, and defeat is not an option.

At this point, I imagine him going Giving Tree on everyone, chucking apples at the interviewer’s head yelling, “DEATH FROM ABOVE!”

Okay, it’s finally over.  My God, this is the best thing to ever happen to the internet.  I feel like I need five cigarettes and a line of Charlie Sheen.  He is the gift that keeps on giving.  OH MY GOD, I FINALLY UNDERSTAND THE GIVING TREE TATTOO!  C

After this video was over, Sheen traveled back in time and killed a WWI vet.