Charlie Sheen's CGI Dog Detective Movie, 'Foodfight,' Took 9 Years To Be Released

Now, I don’t run about town screaming, “THIS IS THE GREATEST CGI FILM STARRING CHARLIE SHEEN AS A TALKING DOG DETECTIVE NAMED DEX DOGTECTIVE” every day, but when I do: you know I mean it. Foodfight! is the greatest CGI film starring Charlie Sheen, etc. etc., and not only the Coked-Up One, but also Chris Kattan as Polar Penguin, Wayne Brady as Daredevil Dan, Harvey Fierstein as Fat Cat Burglar, and Hilary and Haylie Duff as Sunshine Goodness and Sweet Cakes, respectively. According to the movie’s website:

FOODFIGHT! takes place in the supermarket at night when the lights go out and all the people leave. Then, magically, the grocery store transforms into a city: the boxes become buildings, the aisles turn into streets. The Chinese food aisle looks like China Town, the Italian food aisle looks like Venice, and so on.

Then out from every door of this ‘marketropolis’ comes two types of characters: ones you already know – some of the most famous characters in the world, like Mr. Clean, Charlie the Tuna, Mrs. Butterworth and more; and ones you are going to meet, and the actual stars of the movie. These include Dex Dogtective (Charlie Sheen), the super sleuth and head of the USDA (United Supermarket Defense Association); Daredevil Dan (Wayne Brady), the world’s worst flying squirrel stuntman; the sweet and lovable Sunshine Goodness (Hilary Duff); and the villainess and seductive Lady X (Eva Longoria). They all hang out at the Copa-Banana, the hottest nightclub in town (in the produce section of course). However, all’s well until Brand X moves into town, and its evil LADY X and her minions try to take over.

The only way to stop them is…yes – A FO0DFIGHT! (Via)

If you go to the source link, you’ll notice that the website is archived. That’s because Foodfight! was supposed to come out in December 2003, around the same time as The Last Samurai, Cheaper by the Dozen, and Paycheck. It didn’t. It was pushed back to 2005. Nothing. Then, to 2009. Still bupkis, much to the delight of Chris Kattan’s nephews, who didn’t want an exclusive Foodfight! screening as their Christmas present. It was finally released in the U.S. for the first time…this week…on DVD only.

First, check out the trailer.

HOLY CRAP. It looks like a McGruff the Crime Dog ad designed by the same guys who made the original Oregon Trail, except for one/tenths their normal budget. Haha, says the world; according to IMDb, Foodfight! cost $65 million to make. Christopher Lloyd and Cloris Leachman, as Mr. Clipboard and Lunch Lady, don’t come cheap, I guess. (Fans of The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure will remember that both Lloyd and Leachman also starred in that movie, making them the Bogart and Bacall of horrifying kids films.) What else is there to know about Foodfight!? So much more.

Commercial Alert gives “two thumbs down” to FOODFIGHT!, a movie-length commercial for children, packed with branded products and characters, including Twinkie the Kid, Wonderbread, Coke, Spam, M&M’s, Skittles, Mr. Pringle, Tootsie Pops, Mrs. Butterworth and Duncan Hines. “FOODFIGHT! isn’t a movie – it’s an ad,” said Gary Ruskin, executive director of Commercial Alert.

Threshold Digital Research Labs (TDRL), which is producing FOODFIGHT!, boasts that it “incorporates thousands of products and character icons from the familiar packages of products in a grocery store.”

“If you want your kids to nag you and throw tantrums for products, this is the movie for you,” Ruskin said. “But we suspect most parents will think twice before spending their hard-earned money to have their children bombarded with two hours of ads.”

FOODFIGHT! is a sick and pathetic effort to take advantage of young children for monetary gain,” Ruskin said. “It raises the commercial assault on children to a new level of brazenness. Some people will stoop to any level to make a buck, and sadly, FOODFIGHT! is an example.” (Via)

Basically, Foodfight! is diabetes for the eyes. Here’s another fun fact:

In December, 2002, while the film was still in development, the hard drives holding the animation were stolen. The filmmakers had to start over. (Via)

I actually feel bad for the burglars, who had to sit through even 10 seconds of this movie. They’re the real victims here. As for “the filmmakers,” Foodfight! was directed by Larry Kasanoff (he produced the 1995 Mortal Kombat movie, as well as True Lies) and written by Brent V. Friedman (Star Trek: Enterprise), Rebecca Swanson (a single episode of UPN’s Twilight Zone revival), and Sean Catherine Derek, who you probably don’t remember seeing listed as the writer of the pivotal Smurfs episode, “Brainy’s Beastly Boo-Boo.” Yeah. In short:

*awooga sound effect*

(Via @frucci)