Coming Soon: ‘Afterlife With Archie’ Imagines Riverdale With Zombies

Normally I like to leave the actual comic book news to my bros at Gamma Squad, because they actually read them and know what they’re talking about, but today I noticed a headline and immediately thought, “Damn it, this is going to be a movie.” The headline in question comes from Deadline and reads: “Broadway ‘Spider-Man’ Savior Injects Zombie Attacks Into ‘Archie’ Comics”.

That’s right, Archie, Jughead, Betty and Veronica are getting the zombie treatment, because everything else has so why the f*ck not?

Here’s how it happens: Jughead’s beloved pooch Hotdog is run over by Reggie in his roadster. He convinces Sabrina to hatch a spell to bring back the pooch, but when Hotdog bites Jughead, he soon craves flesh. [Roberto] Aguirre-Sacasa certainly knows horror: he scripted the upcoming remake of Carrie that stars Chloe Moretz and Julianne Moore.

No offense to Mr. Aguirre-Sacasa, but you don’t need to “know horror” to update the script of a horror classic so that it’s slightly more relevant. I mean, just add texting, Facebook and Twitter, mix in some Apple products, and polish it all off with a fresh Drake track. VOILA! You’ve got a very unnecessary Carrie remake.

As for the new spin on the classic Archie comic, well, it’s not new. Sure, Archie has never eaten human flesh, but the magical resurrection story? It’s lazier than Jughead. But I guess if the guy wants to do what everyone else is doing, then we shouldn’t try to stop him.

Aguirre-Sacasa said the new comic line “combines two of my great passions, Archie comics and horror comics. This series came out of conversations with Jon Goldwater, asking questions like ‘What if the Archie characters found themselves in a Stephen King novel like The Stand or a Sam Raimi movie like The Evil Dead? Could we pull that off, tonally? We’re really going for it. The first arc is called Escape from Riverdale. The second arc is called, brace yourself, Betty RIP.” He said the gore will be balanced with “elements that are quintessentially Archie.”

Those elements being subtle sexism and archaic gender stereotypes, of course, but this time they’ll be mixed with themes from classic horror tales. Ultimately, nothing about this sounds original or fresh, which means that it’s destined to be optioned for a live action film within the next six months. On the bright side, at least it’ll mean a Betty and Veronica scene in the porn parody.