Comments of the Week: Fish Tacos and Apple Porn

Listen up, gringos. It’s time for your prizes. We were truly blessed by the news that a man in Tennessee was suing Apple because big booties, y’all, that’s what life’s all about, but not as blessed as the lovely ChinoMoreno, who—rather than see her lifestyle disastrously changed by pornography—saw her romantic life transform overnight:

ChinoMoreno: I’m glad that I accidentally viewed porn for it was there that I learned that chicks LOVE anal. Now I have tons of suitors, I got a raise at work and I have no children.

A scholar if there ever was one, that Chino. We wish you the best, but we must move on to the rest.

This next one is a personal favorite so I’m pretty disappointed in you nerds for not nominating it. From Vince’s coverage of Riff Raff’s legal expertise:

Stinky Pete: Rumor has it Franco has made a counter-offer of Neill Blomkamp’s cell phone number and five minutes staring in silence at Maria Abramovic’s baggy cans.

Very insensitive of you to forget the diacritic (also her name is Marina), but I laughed at “baggy cans” and congratulated myself for recognizing the reference in the first place. In reality her cans are prettay perkay, befitting her intellectual grace and attraction to hip hop. My apologies to those of you who didn’t get my text, I was too busy segueing into the FilmDrunk song of the Summer: Tay Allyn’s “Mass Text.” The video had you all pretty excited, inevitably inspiring comparisons of the young(?) starlet(?) to the belles you see in them nude internet movies.

A Cup: She looks like a 31 yr old pornstar playing a barely legal teen. Like I always say to my computer screen, I’ll play along, but we both know the truth.

It’s funny because it’s true, too true, like a toddler chewing through an Isuzu seatbelt off Central Avenue while mommy’s left you to film a quick scene but she’ll be back, won’t you mommy, won’t you? Too true. That’s my spoken word porn poem, and I apologize.

This week’s Comment of the Week belongs to Otto Man, for his heroic work in the thread for Nick Cave’s script for Gladiator 2 a.k.a. Christ Killer:

Otto Man: If you’d told me that a famously belligerent Australian actor had commissioned a script called “Christ Killer,” this is not the story I would’ve imagined.

Congratulations, Otto. Since the debate resulted in a tie (not to mention John Wayne In a Devo Hat scuffed my stepmom’s new linoleum), you are now granted the final word on the edibility of carrots.

To the rest: remember to keep your wits about you, and nominate your favorite comments of the week in the comments section of this very thread. For next week, the winner will receive a poorly photoshopped scene of their choosing (estimated cash value: $250,000). Scene description limited to 140 characters.