Comments of the Week is back, and I’m giving away FilmDrunk shirts (BUY YOURS HERE) to each week’s winner. We don’t have an upvoting function yet, so in the meantime, you’ll have to bookmark this post and paste your favorite comments in the comments section from which I’ll choose each week’s winner. Got it? Good.
This week was tough. Lots of great comments, but no single standout that was head and shoulders above the rest. I hope I made the right choice! We’ll get to the winner in a bit, but first, the honorable mentions.
From A Pooping, Vomiting Drunk Evacuated A Fifty Shades Screening In England:
Verbal Kunt: The Aristocrats!
Too easy. From A Corpse Was Dressed Like The Green Lantern And Propped Upright During A Wake:
Verbal Kunt: Maybe it’s a piece of modern art that represents Ryan Reynolds’ career.
Don’t worry, they’re not all Verbal. From Eddie Redmayne Is A Pretty Lady:
Verbal Kunt: You sound jealous, Vince. It’s like you’ve always wanted to play some fabulous ladyboy in a movie no one will watch so you’re just sh*tting all over my boy Methodmayne.
“Methodmayne” was the catalyst…
AB: I’ll f*ckin, I’ll f*ckin, I’ll f*ckin makin you lie motionless hunched up on the floor until it literally changes the alignment of your spine. [Editor’s Note: Theory of Everything.]
I’ll f*ckin, I’ll f*ckin, I’ll f*cking dress in latex and swish around all effinate like and whisper my lines in a little sound like “HURRRRRRR.” [Editor’s Note: Jupiter Ascending.]
I’ll f*ckin, I’ll f*ckin, I’ll f*ckin put make up and dresses on, and keep preening for the camera and preening and preening. [Editor’s Note: The Danish Girl.]
“And preening and preening.” A+ Of course, we also got some blowback from the latest Redmayne post. Or, whatever you would call this comment from the Facebook page:
Brent Switchyouholdhim Donatien: they’re promoting this (oscar award) agenda – so kids will feel this was always acceptable , this is gonna back fire on their own – wages of sin is death – getting paid to sin = big storms. man on man can’t make child so they marry to get a certificate to adopt – but hollywood the wizard’s wood from the holly tree are also trying to adopt kids with visual wands . it’s obvious who’s creating these new laws of morality. they need to get fired
“but hollywood the wizard’s wood from the holly tree are also trying to adopt kids with visual wands.” That’s great, I always wondered what a homophobic Lewis Carroll having a meth aneurysm would sound like.
From Guy Fieri officiated 101 gay weddings:
Power Donut Man: Schnitzel bob, you’re so money and I certainly admire your Fietriotism, but we all know that Flavortown has a mayor (As evidenced by the $17 The Mayor of Flavortown Burger*.) indicating that it is less autonomous than a principality and thus “City-State” is probably the best descriptor we have available to us, but I would be happy to discuss this more over a plate or two of Fireball Whiskey Wings**.
*The meat blanket of seasoned pastrami sends this burger outta bounds. Swiss, caraway seed slaw, dill pickles, onion straws, Dijon mustard + an “awesome pretzel bun” finish off this bad boy.
**These wings are certainly not for the faint of heart & should probably be illegal. Classic buffalo sauce + fireball whiskey meet to ignite a flavor explosion of epic proportions. Try Guy’s blue-sabi sauce to put out the fire!
Talking Can of Vegetables: “I know pronounce you man and man! You may…. SMASH MOUTH!”
::Dudes kiss, Guy joins Steve Harwell on stage::
“Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me…”
From Tommy Pistol Had a Great Response To A Religious Twitter Troll:
SomethingSomethingDangerZone: Yeah I don’t like Lesbian porn cuz I never know when it is over.
Is that an old joke? It feels like it should be. From Imitation Game Screenwriter Clarifies That He’s Not Gay:
Silance: “When Barack HUSSEIN Obama forces Disney to make an animated movie about this in order to turn our children gay they’ll have to call it ‘101 Abominations’, amirite buddy?!”
* honor-kills family, accidentally opens gay porn on WebTV *
From John Travolta capped off a night of unwanted groping by not letting go of Idina Menzel’s face:
Stone Cold Jane Austen: Did she put up a fight?
Excellent Grease reference. And I hate Grease. Sometimes a great comment takes two. Like in the Richard Pryor biopic update post:
SteffenPeffen: According to IMDB, Mike Epps is also playing Pryor in the Nina Simone biopic. How great would it be if they turned this into a Marvel universe-style franchise?
Stallonewolf: No way Marvel lets them franchise another black human torch.
Similarly, from Oh Good, Vine Stars Are Attending The Oscars Parties:
Talking Can of Vegetables: Six second Vines give you 15 minutes of fame? How the f*ck does that math work?
Tonto Goldstein: They loop.
That’s so perfect half of me wonders if it’s one person lobbing himself softballs. If you have the time to catfish yourself for a free t-shirt, by all means.
From Anonymous Academy Voter Says Patricia Arquette Is Brave, Selma Has “No Art To It,” etc.:
kazoshay: Patricia Arquette was so brave for deciding to age.
Buttockus Finch, Esq.: Yeah, she didn’t puss out like River Phoenix.
Too soon? Nah, just right.
In response to “At this point, we might as well have Reddit MRAs rate the films on a scale from ‘2/10’ to ‘would definitely bang.'”
Torgo: “My vote is for Selma. Martin Luther King, Jr is a 9/10, would BANG!” – James Earl Ray
Get it? Because, like, bang has a double meaning. Similarly, from BookDrunk: Anya Von Bremzen of Mastering The Art Of Soviet Cooking:
BackToTheSutures: I’m surprised at the vitriol she’s getting from the Russians. You’d expect a way more chill attitude from a country with such a long tradition of serf culture.
Oh I see what you did there. Okay, time to pick a winner. I was bewitched by this comment, despite the fact that if you pressed me on it, you’d find I don’t entirely even know what it means. Sometimes that’s okay. From White People Be Gettin’ Haircuts In The Final Insurgent Trailer:
HamsterdamAdmirals: Oh sh*t parkour club is taking over student council. F*ck off chess nerds, now the the athletes are the mathletes.
I don’t need to know what it means to be obsessed with the phrase “now the athletes are the mathletes.” Congrats, Hamsterdam Admirals, send me your address and shirt size to collect your prize.
Thanks to everyone who came out, ass slaps and orange wedges for everyone. Again, you can buy your FilmDrunk shirts here. I’m not bullsh*tting you when I say that we’re starting to run low.
And just as a bonus, it wouldn’t be a Comments Of The Week without some Schnitzel Bob fan fiction (from the Focus review post):
Schnitzel bob: In a fit of rage earlier in the week, Vince had ordered Laremy home, but warned him that “I still want you to review that crappy movie!” Laremy’s mistake had been to accidentally knock a can of coke into his boss’ tupperware full of cannelloni. The spill might not have been so bad if I weren’t for the fact that this was the third time in two months that Laremy had ruined Vince’s lunch. Someone less acquainted with the Filmdrunk dynamic might have assumed malice, but in reality, it was genuine, almost Vaudevillian clumsiness.
The problem with working from home, Laremy thought to himself, is that it’s all too easy to not work from home. When you have all day to get things done, you never get around to it. It takes discipline, and that was a thing that Laremy, like all of us, sometimes lacked. Today he was practicing his freestyle rapping skills.
“Well my name is Laremy
And I’m not lame, I am the bossI walk around, my teeth are clean
I know cause I just flossedAnd Vince, he likes to yell at me
I sometimes make him crossBut now I get to work at home
So he can just get lost”He paused with a thoughtful look on his face and wrote the lyrics down on a pad of paper. The buzzer rang, and he made his way to the intercom.
“Yeah?”
“It’s Matt.” A pause. “Lieb.”
“Matt? Wow! Come on up!”
He buzzed him in and waited by the door. He still hadn’t changed since getting up and was wearing pajama pants and torn “Snow World Tour 1993″ t-shirt.
Matt came in wearing a backpack and a furtive look on his face. He sat down on the edge of the couch.
“So, where ya been, homes?” Laremy asked. “You want some coffee or something?”
“No, I’m good… listen, I can’t really stay long, but I got a favour to ask you”.
Matt was acting a bit strange, but then with Matt it was difficult to determine just what ‘normal’ looked like.
“Sure, I guess. What’s up?”
Matt reached into his backpack and pulled out a grocery bag. There was some kind of large pinkish object inside.
“I’ve got a girl coming over, and I’m afraid she’d find this, so could I store it here?”
Laremy walked over from the kitchen, spilling burnt coffee from his over-full mug as he did. He looked inside the bag. The object in question was a silicone sex butt. It looked clean, but well used. He shrugged.
“Yeah, no problem. I’ll just put it with my art supplies.”
“You have art… nevermind. Thanks a million Laremy, I totally owe you one.” Matt rose to leave.
As he opened the door, Laremy asked “Hey, so, when are you coming back to the office? Are you coming back?”
Matt turned, distracted. “Yes. No. I don’t know. Maybe?” He started walking down the hallway but stopped himself and turned to face Laremy.
“Hey man. I really appreciate this. Seriously.”
Laremy just smiled and waved his hand diffidently. He closed the door and picked up the pad of paper. “Now where was I…”
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