That’s right, folks, for the next few months, FilmDrunk comments of the week will be about more than just bragging rights. We’ve got a new run of shirts, in handsome grey on black, printed on 100% cotton American Apparel shirts. They’re all soft and stuff. You can buy one right here.
As for comments of the week, I’ll be giving out shirts to each week’s winner. As always, make sure to nominate for next week’s prize throughout the week in the comments section below.
This week’s winner, I think we can all agree, is a long-overdue lifetime achievement award in the field of Matt Lieb fan fiction, for Schnitzel Bob. No one around here has contributed so much of so little to so few. Send me your address, Bob. By God, you’ve certainly earned it.
Here’s his latest, from the Selma trailer. Though I warn you ahead of time, it’s long, and full of obscure inside jokes:
The office was unusually empty that morning. Alison had phoned in sick, and Burnsy was off being Burnsy. Laremy and Vince, meanwhile, had gone to a local corgi film festival. Matt had desperately wanted to go with them, but they had only two spots, and Laremy had won the burping contest.
With little pressure to work, Matt didn’t. His mind drifted as he aimlessly surfed the internet. Randomly, he decided to check something that had periodically occurred to him for several months.
Heather walked by Matt’s desk with her seventh cup of coffee in hand and briefly glanced at his screen. Matt was looking at a site for custom designed clothes. He was currently working on what appeared to be a tea-towel with “I” and a heart symbol on it. It was obviously a work in progress, one that Matt was intently focused on.
She decided to see how this would play out. Crossing her arms, she stood a few feet behind Matt, loudly sipping her coffee.
“What’s that, Matt? Custom dish towels?”
Matt took a second to answer, distracted as he was. “Bib.”
She was confused. “What?”
“Bib. It’s a bib. Like for ribs.” Matt was uncharacteristically terse. Heather might have left well enough alone, but boredom drove her to stay.
“What do you need a custom bib for?” She joked. “Caution: may choke to death on spaghetti?” It was the kind of provocation that normally would have inspired shame or -more rarely- anger in Matt, but he sat still, as if he hadn’t heard her. She decided to wait and see what would go on the bib.
Matt sat staring at the blinking cursor for a full thirty seconds before typing again. Heather couldn’t tell, but her presence was making him deeply uncomfortable, given his current task.
Finally, he completed the custom design. “Licking da butt”. He quickly moved to the order page in order to get past the full template of the bib, but Heather had seen what he’d written.
“I heart licking da butt?”
Matt didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say.
Heather paused, then laughed. “Oh, I get it, it’s a joke, like for Vince or something!”
Matt remained silent. Heather continued. “Ha, that’s pretty good. Licking butt, though, that’s clever Matt. I don’t know how you come up with these things.”
He smiled meekly.
Heather wandered in the general direction of her desk. “The very idea! As if real people ever eat the butt!” She sat at her desk and stared pensively at her “Hang in there, baby!” mug, an ironic gift from a former girlfriend. She continued to herself. “As if real people ever get laid at all.”
Mclamb86: That’s what I love about this space stuff, man. I get older, it ages slightly slower due to time dilation.
Donkey Hodey: What if I met God and he was just a stranger on the bus trying to make his way home though?
From the Heaven Is For Real sequel:
The Jersey Devil: This would be way better as a Happy Madison movie. Adam Sandler would be the wacky adult man-child who has to wear the colostomy bag, then gets hit by a runaway ice cream truck and goes to heaven, where he promptly leaves his flaming poo-bag on God’s doorstep, knocks and runs. Of course, God steps on it, then catches Sandler laughing in the bushes and sends him back to Earth as a hospice care nurse, where he must learn to truly care for others so he can get into Heaven. Cameos by Ben Stiller as Hal the “You’re in my world now, grandma” orderly and Rob Schneider as the weird foreign guy janitor.
Verbal Kunt: That dead baby belongs in a museum!
Writes itself. From the Cinderella trailer:
silance: It’s *not* a musical? What about the scene where the singing CGI mice vajazzle Cinderella’s manhole before the Fancy Ball?
If you want to destroy my sweater,
Hold this thread as I kick your face,
Watch me unravel, you’re soon unconscious,
Lying on the floor, you’ve been curb-stomped
Jessolido: I’m sure “Green Room” makes sense within the context of the film, but they really threw away easy money not calling this “American History X-Men”
From the AVN clever title award:
Verbal Kunt: Andy Serkis will never get that oscar now. Dawn of the Planet of the Gapes uses its ping pong balls way better than mo-cap ever will.
And finally, from The Hunger Games: Mockingjay review:
Verbal Kunt: These movies are set in Panem, as in panem et circenses? That’s a bit Juvenal.