THE PLUG: This week’s comments of the week winner receives a copy of Gary Giddins’ WARNING SHADOWS: Home Alone with Classic Cinema.
WARNING SHADOWS: Home Alone with Classic Cinema is a new book by award-winning music and film critic Gary Giddins that provides readers with a guided tour from the early days of film to the modern digital era of DVDs and online video streaming. Giddins provides insight into the most famous actors, directors, and innovators who made and continue to make films possible, and he examines how developments in technology—from “talkies” to television to special effects to the Internet—effect America’s involvement in the arts, entertainment, and culture.
Buy. That. Sh*t. Now. Or else your flowers will wilt and your parents will die like Jacktion!’s.
THE WINNERS: I’m doing things a little different this week. I’ll give you the top two comments, and you vote for the winner in the comments section. This week, there are two deserving comments, and they both reflect two opposing philosophies. Jacktion!’s comment on Lindsay Lohan being cast in a Linda Lovelace biopic is brilliant, simple, succinct, cutting, and perfectly relevant:
Jacktion!: I think Lindsay Lohan is playing Linda Lovelace in the porn remake of the Linda Lovelace biopic.
Meanwhile, The Mighty Feklahr’s comment on Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson confirming their relationship is the opposite:
Excessive, complex, fanciful, only tangentially-related, and delightfully esoteric.
*a surge in neutron radiation is detected…SUDDENLY Grethor appears!*
Qaplah, forshak-hut dwelling human baktags! After reading relevant Hollywood insider scoop news of the magnitude such as this, The Mighty Feklahr is sure there is only one way to celebrate: the re-enactment of the Worf prune juice scene from episode 15 of season 3!
*Ker’Splatt approaches dressed like Guinan*
“Here. Try this.”
Dor sho gha! What in Kahless’ Beard is this? *chug*
“It is called prune juice, Worf.”
*punches Ker’Splatt’s heart out through his back, pulls up the dress he was wearing and shoves empty juice glass up his ass*
WHERE IS MY SOUL MATE, WESLEY CRUSHER? I WANT MY HONOURLESS SON, ALEXANDER, TO WED US AT DAWN!!!
*pulls out AK-47…shoots up Ten Forward*
WHA HA HA! I RENOUNCE MY HONOUR AS A KLINGON AND MY OATH TO STARFLEET! I PREFER THE COMPANY OF ROMULANS!
*starts dry humping the dead bodies*
PRO-WRESTLING IS BETTER THAN MMA! QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY WAS PIONEERING TELEVISION!
*jumps on bar, sticks a bottle of cognac up his ass, ejaculates over everything*
A WARRIOR’S DRINK!!!
VOTE: That was inspired. I love both comments in different ways. Vote for the winner so I don’t have to pick one.
THE REST: The honorable mention comments (which were also amazing) will be pasted unformatted below. I want to honor all the FilmDrunkards’ hilarious work each week, but formatting this post takes forever. I hope you don’t mind.
Chareth Cutestory: Why doesn’t he love me? Labia joke. Shoes. Adopted ethnic lesbian baby. Dildo joke. Hats. Why doesn’t this other guy love me? Friendship. *Fart*
Starving Screenwriter: “I have this treatment for a script about Helen Keller’s childhood, as told through the eyes of her dying grandmother. Helen Mirren and Judi Dench have both expressed interest.”
Paramount Exec: “This Helen Keller… can she be a Rubik’s Cube?”
Jesco White says : I would have gone the Full Metal Jacket route.
Gunny: I bet you’re the kind of guy that would f*ck a person in the ass and not even have the godd*mn common courtesy to give him a reach-around.
Me in movie: I only want to f*ck one ass for the rest of my life.
/Turns to girlfriend in real life and gets on knee
“I want that to be your ass”
Feklahr says: The Mighty Feklahr proposed at a Bijou screening of UHF. During the Wheel of Fish scene, He waited until Kuni said, “Let’s see what’s in the box!”, got on His knee, and opened the ring.
The best part? Right after she said, “Yes!”, Kuni started screaming, “STUPID! YOU’RE SO STUPID!”
*Runs through post in towel cape and princess hat*
Ptoo ptoo ptoo
Mel_Gibsons_Beaver_Puppet says: HEY, SUGARTITS! DON’T LET THOSE HOOKNOSE JEW BABIES SNAG YOUR FUNBAGS!!
Burnsy: TITS OR GT… haha, you can stay.
I like how it didn’t faze him when his moustache fell off. It’s like Tom Cruise always says, “even if you lose your beard, keep playing it straight.”
You think he has felt her womb?
NOMINATE: Nominate for next week in this post like always.
*pulls pants down, drops microphone, walks off stage*