Comments of the Week: Cry “Havoc!” and Let’s Slurp the Dongs of War

11.11.13 6 years ago 63 Comments

FilmDrunk commenters really brought their O games this week, so instead of beating around the bush, let’s dig in and start the accolades flowing.

Twee nancyboy Wes Anderson knows that you should always write a nice thank you note when someone gives you some career help. It shouldn’t surprise anyone that Anderson’s letters look a lot like his movies, but it does have Bishop Luke Helick Deannus a little concerned:

I love Wes Anderson, but you do have to worry about the 2% chance that one day he’ll wake up and decide to be The Joker

In old-timey Hollywood news, this week brought a couple of stories that would have lit up the teletypes back in 1988. First, Michelle Pfeiffer talked about arriving in Hollywood and being taken in by a breatharian cult… or so she was eventually told. If you’re not sure what that is, Chino can help:

The only thing the cult encourages you to drink is the Kool-Aid.

Frankly, Michelle Pfeiffer seems so stupid, she should consider herself lucky she found the only two predators in Hollywood actively trying not to stick things into young actresses’ mouths.

Meanwhile, existential buffoon and human bicep Sly Stallone dragged his fingerpaints to Moscow for an exhibition of his paintings. As bad as that sounds, Crapbasket knows it could be so much worse:

Guess this beats Arnold’s hobby of painting hideous housekeeper’s inards with spoo.

1988 was also thrilled to hear there’s a new trailer for Spike Lee’s new joint, the remake of Old Boy. The trailer now includes a bit of the infamous hammer fight, though not the one 1988 nor Crapbasket was expecting:

Hammer fight includes parachute pants and fortune draining mooches, yes?

While this next comment was on a FilmDrunk post, it refers to a story on the UPROXX mothership about Marvel’s new female Muslim superhero, making it technically ineligible for COTW consideration. That said, if you make a funny 9/11 joke, I am going to recognize it. Every. Single. Time.

Larry

Pretty excited about the Muslim superhero. I’m told she knows how to fly but not land.

Larry also took the Bechdel test, which those tow-headed progressives in Sweden are now using to rate films, to a whole new and sexy level:

Larry

“My body, my business” also passes the Vince’s Mom test. Because it’s a source of income, you see. Although not a particularly small business.

Not even the Swedes are sure what to think about the PG-13 remake of Robocop, but the latest trailer has Otto Man excited:

That actually looks surprisingly good.

Move my classification from “robophobic” to “binary curious.”

The most interesting story of the week had to be the latest gift from Japanese television, “Orgasm Wars”.  Yes, nothing gets those creative juices flowing like a ten minute video of marginally consensual fellatio. I’m still not sure if Watanabex was reacting to the story, or if he just goes around posting this on random blogs:

WE NEED TO STOP THIS F*CKING RAPE CULTURE YOU SHITLORDS!

Peacekeeper One More Gun would like some clarification (literally) of the ground rules for an Orgasm War:

In Japan, can you even see who’s blowing you? Isn’t it always blurred out?

Only until the History Channel gets a hold of the footage, my friend. If you actually enjoyed watching the clip, then the rumored film adaptation should have you humming with anticipation:

Stinky Pete

Orgasm Wars: Semen Samurai

Al

Orgasm Wars > Star Wars, which has to wait two years for its release.

Chino Moreno

Orgasm War, what is it good for? Absolutely nuttin’

In the end, I couldn’t decide between Al and Chino, so I’m declaring their contributions co-Comments of the Week. If they decide to break the tie by engaging in some sort of 40 minute battle of physical and mental endurance, I hereby volunteer to act as both impartial referee and cinematographer.

Don’t forget to nominate your favorite comments from the upcoming week below. Until then, keep calm and drunk on.

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