Comments of the Week: Nos Meridian

Editor’s Note: Evan finished this week’s Comments of the Week earlier this week when it’s normally supposed to be posted, but because I was traveling, I didn’t get to post it. Apologies. -Vince

Put down your books, scholarly Msfts, it’s time for Comments of the Week. Today we honor nerds, our Juggalo family, tropical birds, and the official energy drink of Jaden Smith’s existential buffoonery.

First, the Mighty Feklhr needs to dispel some of this bullsch that the Zero Charisma trailer has been spreading about nerds and role-playing.

Feklhr: *spikes in neutron radiation are detected, a red hue forms and turns into the shape of the Great Space Heap Grethor!*

*incoming transmission*

Qaplah, Romulan coddling yIntagh terrans, it is He, The Mighty Feklahr! The Mighty One has reviewed this cinematic movie trailer, and can offer only this to “disenchant” the illusion of what pencil and paper role playing game sessions are truly like.

A. The group gathers at the apartment of the one guy that has a girlfriend. Why? So she can get drunk and act pseudo-nerdy slutty before she goes into the bedroom to watch Sailor Moon.

B. It takes an inordinately long time to smoke up real quick before the game begins. Invariably some asshat turns on the television whilst high and invariably it is a nature show and he and at least one other guy is like, “WHOA, THAT BIRD IS FLYING!”

C. Once everyone is FINALLY corralled and seated, there has to be “the guy” that wants to get drunk. If there is beer on hand, he will insist he wants to do shots. He will fucking whine and bitch and moan like a fucktard until someone takes him to the corner store (this guy never has a car).

D. The people at home get more stoned. The girlfriend comes out and sluts around, especially if it was her boyfriend that took the “booze guy” to the corner store. Acts out fellatio on bong.

E. Booze Guy gets back, he wants to get drunk and wants someone else to get drunk with him. Girlfriend does some weird shit like take a shot using her tits.

F. The Driver of Booze Guy wants to get re-stoned. For some reason this takes FOREVER.

G. Everyone is finally as fucked up as they want to be and seated, it is 3:30 AM. Those assembled get 5 goblins into the first cave before someone wants to go home. Then people start bitching that they want food.

H. The quiet fat guy who has done the most drugs (hiding pills/window pane/etc. from the others), is most ready to play, and has a paladin named “Kahless” strangles everyone, molests dead girlfriend, sets the apartment on fire.

This is why video games were invented, because fuck those guys.

end transmission

*neutron radiation spikes again as Grethor is surrounded by a red hue and then VANISHES.*

I don’t even know what to say to that beautiful garbage. Next comes from the story about those Juggalos stealing a parrot.

ChinoMoreno: Cracker want a Polly?

Classic Chino. And now for the comment of the week, from Vince’s chronicles of Jaden Smith’s existential buffoonery:

Stallonewolf: Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago.” (*solemnly drains Nos can, signals barkeep to bring another*) (*pulls worn photo out of wallet and gazes at it remorsefully*) (*the photo is of Jaden Smith*)

Solemnly drains Nos can is nearly perfect, and that’s why this wins. To you losers, I suggest an equivalently morose incorporation of an energy drink into your jokes. Remember to keep your wits about you, and nominate your favorite comments of the week in the comments section of this very thread. For next week, I’ll be collecting our new Comments of the Week $50 submission fee.