Senior Editor
09.26.08 59 Comments

Hello, puberty?  I thought you’d never call!

Shia LaBeouf, who just found out he won’t face DUI charges, also has a movie opening today.  The reviews are out, and the critics… well, you can read all about it below.  I actually like LaBeouf as an actor, but his agent seems to be grooming him as the next Brendan Fraser.

“Eagle Eye” is yet another action movie aimed at people unfamiliar with the tremendous strides made in special effects over the last 15 years. People of, say, seven or so. –Kurt Loder [with the sexy sub-headline “Shia LaBeouf pinned down by pyro”]

THE WORD ‘preposterous’ is too moderate to describe Eagle Eye. This film contains not a single plausible moment after the opening sequence, and that’s borderline. It’s not an assault on intelligence. It’s an assault on consciousness. – Roger Ebert

Finally, an action-adventure thriller that feels as if it were created, directed and acted, soup to nuts [wha??], by a computer program. See, everyone complains about humans in movies but no one does anything about it, so it fell to “Eagle Eye” to make everything laughably, ridiculously fake. –NYDailyNews

…the execution redefines ludicrous.  What might have been a zeitgeist-fueled paranoid thriller along the lines of “The Conversation” or “Three Days of the Condor” winds up an unintentionally hilarious exercise in the suspension of disbelief, peppered with confusingly edited car chases. – MSNBC

Anyone who prefers such fusty notions as coherent plot or character development, however, can go eat cobwebs. –Winnipeg Sun [I only included this one because I liked the folksy Canuck-isms]

Upon hearing of such poor reviews, Samurai Code required LaBeouf to amputate his pinky in penance.  Like a true action movie hero, he did it by crashing the shit out of his car.  What?  Too soon?

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