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Hello, puberty? I thought you’d never call!
Shia LaBeouf, who just found out he won’t face DUI charges, also has a movie opening today. The reviews are out, and the critics… well, you can read all about it below. I actually like LaBeouf as an actor, but his agent seems to be grooming him as the next Brendan Fraser.
“Eagle Eye” is yet another action movie aimed at people unfamiliar with the tremendous strides made in special effects over the last 15 years. People of, say, seven or so. –Kurt Loder [with the sexy sub-headline “Shia LaBeouf pinned down by pyro”]
THE WORD ‘preposterous’ is too moderate to describe Eagle Eye. This film contains not a single plausible moment after the opening sequence, and that’s borderline. It’s not an assault on intelligence. It’s an assault on consciousness. – Roger Ebert
Finally, an action-adventure thriller that feels as if it were created, directed and acted, soup to nuts [wha??], by a computer program. See, everyone complains about humans in movies but no one does anything about it, so it fell to “Eagle Eye” to make everything laughably, ridiculously fake. –NYDailyNews
…the execution redefines ludicrous. What might have been a zeitgeist-fueled paranoid thriller along the lines of “The Conversation” or “Three Days of the Condor” winds up an unintentionally hilarious exercise in the suspension of disbelief, peppered with confusingly edited car chases. – MSNBC
Anyone who prefers such fusty notions as coherent plot or character development, however, can go eat cobwebs. –Winnipeg Sun [I only included this one because I liked the folksy Canuck-isms]
Upon hearing of such poor reviews, Samurai Code required LaBeouf to amputate his pinky in penance. Like a true action movie hero, he did it by crashing the shit out of his car. What? Too soon?
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Two posts with “zeitgeist” in them. Must be the spirit of the times.
Last time I had “soup to nuts” I couldn’t sit down for a week.
In other news, Kurt Loder and his angel food cake face are still alive
…zeitgeist-fueled paranoid thriller
^ That guys should be taken out back and shot.
Did you say “Canuck” Vance? Do you know how offensive that is?
Expect a lot of shouting and babling at the screen -DetroitNews
Spielberg thought it needed more monkey swinging on vines.
I’ll need an eagle eye to watch this from home.
They had to change the title when Bravo grabbed Queer Eye first.
If LeBeouf also gets a lobotomy they could make a show about the parts he’s had cut off.
Is Canuck offensive?
Only if your a lazy dirty barefooted blubber suckin Canuck!
Looks like it’s back to being a seat-filler at the Teen Choice Awards.
I just had a cobweb sandwich. It was delicious. Try one the next time you’re in Calgary.
Sorry Vince, I guess you weren’t part of that conversation – I was joking. If it were offensive, we’d all have a helluva hard time talking hockey here in Vancouver ;)
I wish they would’ve only been able to save the pinky.
After detecting the zeigeist for shitty CGI movies, LePoof accepted the kismet for his career in Kitschy reels of shit.
Upon hearing the reviews, Eagle-Eye Cherry has officially changed his name to Thanks Assholes.
Kurt Loder? Really? Like, the guy from music video MTV? Dor sho gha!
Donk, That show would be called Pinky and the Brain, right?
Upon hearing the reviews for Eagle Eye, eagles placed themselves back on the endangered species list.
Upon hearing the reviews for Eagle Eye, Don Henly said “Wow. We DO fucking suck.”
“Eagle Asshole” is that guy dating that one ho of Hef’s. “Eagle Herpes” (and this lousy t-shirt) was all she got out of the deal.
Upon hearing the reviews for Eagle Eye, Philadelphia changed their NFL team name to the “Cheesesteaks”
*chodin enters FilmDrunk thread and is immediately blinded by the light and wrapped up like a duce in the middle of the night*
It’s douche bro! He totally fucking said douche!
What do Shia LaBeouf and Batman have in common?
Aside from me masturbating to both of them, neither can throw a left punch.
After hearing the review, Eagle Eye Cherry said, “Save tonight… and the rest of that sandwich.”
*drives by in his curly-wurly and gives chodin an early-pearly*
Fuck, next time I’ll refresh, I swear.
*two-hand tapping solo*
After hearing the reviews, the only script sent to Shia is called “Brown Eye.”
Last night, my wife told me she wants to see this movie this weekend. I told her I’d rather see Choke. When she suggested we should compromise, I suggested a divorce would be a fair compromise.
We’re now seeing a counselor…and still seeing this shitty movie.
I’m going to put on two Tom Cruise™ Limited Edition Guy Patches™ and have a Not See Party.
<— thought of that pun too late for the previous thread
“This movie was so fucking good, I only hit my bitch like three or four times in the dark.”
– Bobby Brown
I can’t wait to totally ignore this movie. It’s gonna be aaaawwwwsssoooommmeee!
Chod-the term is “cunt punch” today.
Vince, your knack for internet foreplay is unsurpassable.
*twists shower knob to “really hot” and turns up Yani*
“Eagle Eye Sucks” is Shia’s Apache name. Apparently he’s great at spotting dudes who need a blow job.
*bows head, pretends to scratch eyebrow and desperately tried to avoid eye-contact*
“This movie totally cunt punched all of my expectations!”
-Clay Aiken
Fek, Did you spike the cunt punch? It smells funny.
“This movie tastes like some chicken I found in this dumpster”
-Dom DeLuise
“This movie made all my nipple hairs stand on end”
-Captain Lou Albano
“I wish I could have seen this, but I can’t because I’m dead.”
– Brad Renfro
“Points or no points, this movie is dead meat”
– Dutch from Cobra Kai dojo
“I wouldn’t lick this movie’s balls if they were smothered in gravy”
– Air Bud
omg nobody has cybered in a long time
-michelle hides in the closet…poops
DOR SHO GHA! Pauly, stop, you are going to get me FIRED!
seriously how long does it take to make a cobweb sandwich?!? I’m so cunt punching this waitress.
Fek, I know you don’t want me to stop.
But the girl I’m holding captive does.
True story: in first grade, my best friend and I watched ‘Drop Dead Fred’ and then spent the entire year looking up girl’s dresses and exclaiming, “Huh!!!!! Cobwebs!?!?!”.
Basically, I didn’t have a lot of sex in first grade.