FlipBoardInfomercials are comically stupid and this is common knowledge, but the Rollie Eggmaster Colon goes a little too far for me. The premise is: eggs are hard to make. No. No, eggs are one of the easiest things to make. You don’t have to be a great chef like Julia Child or Guy Fieri to pull off an egg because, chances are, even if you mess up trying to cook your egg one way, you’ll land on some other acceptable egg type. Left your softboileds on for too long? Still edible. No time to cook the yolk all the way? Sunny side those mofos. Etc, etc. No one says “you could make risotto in this heat,” they say “you could fry an egg in this heat” because ALL IT TAKES TO COOK AN EGG IS HEAT AND A SURFACE.
So if you think eggs are hard to make (and don’t even bring up poaching), you can watch this video with sincere interest as your twins (Haydin and Jaidyn) scratch up your linoleum in their morning fight over whose Angry Birds shirt is whose. For those of you with a cursory knowledge of heat and surfaces: bask in the stupidity.
“If you can make toast, you can make a mouth-watering Rollie™ treat!” What they don’t mention is that if you can enjoy a Rollie™ treat, you can’t experience love or self-awareness or ever really know another human being, and that anyone seen with one of these dick-shaped egg tubes on their plate is considered an enemy of the state. Also, can someone please dub this commercial so that every time an invisible hand (because, really, this is a late-capitalist product emerging from a late-capitalist mindset) slowly pulls an egg turd out of the Rollie™ Butthole, we hear a leather daddy coo out a gravelly, satisfied moan? Because that—or a fistful of anthrax—is the the most appropriate accompaniment to this embarrassing garbage. This may come as no surprise, but Rollie™ is HQ’d down in Miami Gardens. For Florida, From Florida.
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“Tell your kids it’s a delicious, refreshing popsicle and watch them retch when they discover it’s a luke-warm tube of egg-stuff!”
The NPR blog had a great review of that monstrosity.
[www.npr.org]
Leather daddies? Dick-shaped egg tubes? Gravelly, satisfied moans? I smell an XXX parody!
That thing is the red rocket of the food world
Why a ginsu knife to cut that one? It’s not a steak!
At least I can take my pig offal, toss it in that bad boy and get homemade hot dogs out of the deal.
*Vomits*
You know your eggs are done when they start prairie dogging.
what the hell would be wrong with a sausage and egg Rollie? Or a vegetable omelette on a stick? It sounds effing delicious, I want one. And those cinnamon stick things? Hells yes. I wouldn’t pay forty bucks for one, but you people are crazy to scoff so hard at this.
See, the way you’re selling it makes sense. The fact that they went with “aren’t eggs hard?!? There’s gotta be an easier way!” is hilarious.
i’d be selling the dessert sticks harder. i bet you could make all sorts of fast, cakey things with that, given how it’s actually pretty easy to make muffins/cookies in the microwave. yummm
poached eggs aren’t even that difficult tho
“It’s perfect for the office!” Who the hell wants to cook eggs at the office?
The same asshole who cooks fish in the microwave.
So can you fuck it or no?
AM I THE ONLY ONE EXCITED ABOUT EGG DILDO PORN???!??!?!?!?!!
As a lover if infomercials and gadgets and cooking, I love it. It would be fun to abuse for a few hours but I worry about the lead/cadmium/manufacturing by-products I’d consume. If it shows up at Walgreens for $9.99 I won’t be able to resist, might be able to convert it into a Volcano-like device…
BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO CRACK THE EGGS! THAT’S PRACTICALLY THE HARDEST PART OF COOKING THEM!
I’m glad you posted, because boy do I have a product for you! The EZ Cracker!
[www.youtube.com]
I am intrigued by the EZ Scrambler, just because of how confusing a pre-scrambled hard boiled egg would be.
“… and we’ve all done this…” WE HAVE NOT! Actually I would kinda like to have both of those things. Just not to the extent that I’d actually buy them.
Woah, Woah, Woah. This thing cooks VERTICALLY!?!?!?
I endorse this evan harold character.
I have been doing it all wrong. I didn’t know I was supposed to throw the egg shells on the stove top after cracking them.