Senior Editor
11.25.09 40 Comments

I’d love to review Old Dogs just to tell you how bad it is, but there’s a limit to how much I’m willing to suffer for you guys, and I already have to read entertainment columns.  Luckily there are plenty of other creepy shut-ins who’ll say mean things about it for me, and I can use their delicious hate to keep my skin moist and clammy.  In general, I’d say the most common dog pun was about how Old Dogs deserved to be “put down.”

If Old Dogs were a person, I would stab it in the face. –Hitfix

Old Dogs does to the screen what old dogs do to the carpet. It’s unfortunate that only the latter can be taken out and shot. –NY Post

As if to compensate, “Old Dogs” continually cuts away from Williams’ antics to “cute” reaction shots from an actual old dog. –Florida Times-Union

Kids who suffer from progeria may be able to relate to Old Dogs, but it’s hard to imagine anyone else fully appreciating it. –St. Paul Pioneer

“Old Dogs” seems to have lingered in post-production while editors struggled desperately to inject laugh cues. It obviously knows no one will find it funny without being ordered to. How else to explain reaction shots of a dog responding to laugh lines? –Roger Ebert

Let’s see… murder, stabbings, poop, progeria, gunshot wounds — I think that about covers it.  Of course, I did find one guy who liked it.  Guess who it is.  C’mon, just guess.

Shocking, right?  Let’s see how many times this asswipe practically begs to get quoted:

“an often riotously funny slapstick farce that ought to appeal to moviegoers of all ages.”

“This Thanksgiving holiday entry should have plenty to be thankful for indeed, once box office returns are in.”

“Pure slapstick presented at a breezy pace and offering Williams and Travolta a chance to let their comic chops run wild.”

“effortlessly mixes over-the-top comedy with heartwarming moments that Williams in particular seems to have trademarked.”

“Robin’s in great form and has terrific chemistry with Travolta as they manage to recall a modern-day Abbott And Costello.”

“Stealing every scene he’s in, though, is Green who could probably turn mugging into a national pastime. His exaggerated reactions during a disastrous golf game and especially in his romantic entanglement with the aforementioned gorilla are guaranteed laugh-getters.” [BoxOffice.com]

Just so we’re clear, Pete Hammond thought this was a guaranteed laugh getter:

If mugging becomes the national pastime, I hope someone steals this fat retard’s wallet.

(By the way, how would one person turn something into a “national pastime?”  Wouldn’t a national pastime need to be participated in by a large number of people?  And what does that even mean, a national pastime?  Can’t there only be one of them?  Isn’t that the whole point of it being the national pastime, to have a title that only one thing can have, like “Super Bowl MVP” or “the official beer of Major League Baseball” or whatever?  Oh forget it.)

*gets hit in the nuts*

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