Marvel Phase Four
First off, what is a MARVEL PHASE THREE? Simple, you dodo, it’s the phase that directly follows PHASE TWO, which as we all know is about to start or end at some point. I have inside sources that indicated PHASE ONE ended with The Avengers and PHASE THREE ends with Avengers Two: Part Two. So consider Avengers to be a bookend, and use them to also stand up photos of you doing keggers with your bros. I’m fairly sure, depending on the phases of the moon, that PHASE TWO ends with either Ant-Man or Avengers Part Two: Part One. Here is the official timeline from a legit source (IE Not “Home and Garden” who has been trying to poach superhero clicks).
Context firmly in place, I vividly remember where I was when news of Marvel: PHASE THREE broke. Myself, Vince, Matt Lieb, Ashley Burns, and The Womyn Crew (Alison, Heather) were all sitting around, watching Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, when Vince’s pager went off. He made a few cute little noises, like his mom, and then motioned for us all, using ASL to cover our specific verticals. Alizé and Heath Bar Crunch were given anything to do with Wonder Woman because no one knows a lady’s business like a lady. Matt handled Doctor Strange, obvi, and Ashley took Black Panther because Florida has panthers. Vince took Captain Marvel because he’s marvelous. I don’t know what I did, by that point the metaphor was really starting to break down.
That was PHASE THREE, and we handled it with a plum. But what about PHASE FOUR? Boy amma glad you asked. We’ve got a secret, ultra-hidden look at what’s to follow after PHASE TRES ends in 2019. This is so you can anticipate hardcore and say awesome things like, “Only 1,956 days until Phase Four!!” Plus, if you get in line now for Phase Four you’ll be able to get a jump on all these idiots in line for Phase Three. Phase Four rulz, Phase Three drools.
Note: This is an exclusive. Scoop troupe, get your pens out.
2020: The “Hey, More Movies!” Era
Heathcliff – May, 2020
Plenty of people will note, initially, that this is just a frickin’ cat. This frickin’ cat could work over Garfield, plus he has the most terrifying theme song ever:
Heathcliff, Heathcliff /
No one should /
Terrify the neighborhood /
But Heathcliff just won’t be outdone /
You should realize /
He can win it with you
He can win with me? What does that mean? It sounds a little sexual assault-y. And what is he doing to terrify the neighborhood? Pipe bombs would be my initial guess. Regardless, in this live-action adaptation, Bill Murray will play Heathcliff, while the female hotty cat, whose name may or may not have been Sonja, will be played by Taylor Swift. She gonna make Jessica Rabbit look like an old hag.
Note: There’s some chance I only want this movie to happen because I own the first issue of this comic. I need to recoup my losses.
Thor Four: Core War – November, 2020
In the fourth Thor, subtitled “Core War”, the guys who run the rainbow bridge will petition for equal rights. They will initially be shot down, first by a disapproving leader-guy with a HUGE staff, and then by the general public. Finally, after the rainbow bridge union goes on strike, meaning no more time travel, they’ll get equal pay, equal rights, and better than average sick time. As it turns out, the rainbow bridge is made completely of uranium, so Thor Five: Arrive Alive (2026) will feature a fairly significant class-action lawsuit. Oh, and Chris Hemsworth will probably pork Natalie Portman in this one. Finally. Enough teasing us. Speaking of pork …
2021: The Comedy Epoch
Spider-Ham (June, 2021)
Best segue ever, from sex to swine. This will be when Marvel officially plants its flag in the comedy peach, now that Guardians of the Galaxy has given them the confidence to go all in.
If you’re in the business of Hollywood like we are, then you know it’s been a constant frustration that Marvel doesn’t have the Spider-Man rights. Sony does. Which means Marvel hasn’t been able to put their template right on top of Peter Parker to make sure it’s at least a C+, and possibly as high as a B-, movie. So what’s a Disney monolith to do? Easy! Once upon a time, in real life, they had a comic called “Spider-Ham”. Do you get it? They replaced “Man” with “Ham”, and made the hero a pig.
However, it’s a little odd, because “ham” is cooked pork, meaning this would be like naming a human hero “Spider-Cooked-Human-Flesh”. I mean, just because “ham” rhymes with man, you don’t get to just ignore the implications of the word. Anyway, they followed this up by naming the non-hero pig, the non-spider-pig, “Peter Porker”. Here what they did there was replace “Parker” with “Porker”. Pretty clever. Now then, I never read “Spider-Ham”, and I’m assuming no one at Marvel or in the writer’s room did either, so enthused were they with putting a snout on a superhero and making sweet puns. My guess is they just did a metric ton of cocaine and got mad when they were all fired. Later, they ended up living in a dumpster.
I’m pretty sure this will be a billion dollar film.
Alf (September, 2021)
It used to be you couldn’t swing a cat without hitting an “Alf” fan. He was just huge, bigger than Robert Downey Jr. even, and in this case a live-action Alf will be played by comeback king Tom Cruise. Going totally method, he will eat cats and insist people call him “Gordon”. There’s a wonderful chance of a Howard the Duck cameo here, which as we all know is taken massively seriously by the fans. They got very mad when people mentioned a Howard the Duck cameo in Guardians of the Galaxy, because this would spoil the surprise of seeing a duck. As for Alf, the alien, the sky is the limit here. You could do a few scenes on Melmac, with other Alfs, or make everything about the disapproving dad, played Ray Lewis. At some point, now that Disney also owns Star Wars, there could be some sort of Alf / Ewok children’s spinoff cartoon, or perhaps a drama on ABC where the little ALFs and Ewoks putter around and solve sex crimes.
2022: The Fairer Sex
Linda Carter: Student Nurse (July, 2022)
Again, a real comic, that Marvel put out because they needed a way to make something slightly more sexist. On one hand, you’ve got a gal in tight lycra, but what if you also made her a nurse? And what about a student nurse, so we know she’s young and nubile? It’s a can’t miss. I could see Marvel foraying a bit more into rom-com territory with this one, if only because they haven’t done a real solid job of servicing the female fans just yet. Gotta service them.
Girl’s Life / Girl Comics (December, 2022)
Can you say “mash up”? Take the marbles out of your mouth and then try. In response to the cash money made by hits such as Divergent and The Hunger Games, Marvel needs to get into the teen girl market. No, not selling them, selling TO them. These two hit comic books from the 1950s had everything a girl could want in a story. Female hysteria, female jealousy, and people on stoops with blonde babies. These “she-roes” in dresses with tresses would bring it in a most serious manner. I’m seeing Jennifer Lawrence and Miley Cyrus in the leads. That’s every conceivable demo. There’d be drama, sure, but also heart. Things might get dark and gritty. Don’t rule anything out is all I’m saying.
Marvel Swimsuit Special (March, 2023)
Just as soon as they make a play for the female dollar, BOOM, they hit you full bore with a little T&A. Hey, I’m just as weirded out as you are, but they aren’t screwing around with PHASE FOUR. The plot of this will be similar to “Baywatch” or “C.S.I.” – a bunch of sunglasses, hot bods, and straight up murder. At the end I guess they’ll all pose for a calendar? I don’t know, I just sort of wanted to put it out there that Marvel released swimsuit issues, not once, but numerous times. That actually happened.
2023: Sports!
Sports Action (May, 2023)
Sports Action! It’s weird that they used to scout basketball players by how they threw melons into a cart, right? Finally, Marvel could hit the Hoosiers demo, IE guys who grew up throwing melons eventually winning state. This would have all the elements of Captain America: Winter Soldier, except for the guy with the metal arm – unless we can get our protagonist into so sort of accident with the melon thresher.
Superpro (November, 2023)
Before the domestic abuse, child abuse, the rampant painkiller use, and the head trauma – the NFL was reaching a cult-like superhero status. Which is why Marvel produced the little-known comic, “Superpro”, where a dude dressed like a Superhero, but with shoulder pads and a helmet. In the first issue Spider-Man helped him out, but as that’s still Sony’s business we’ll use our Spider-Ham replacement here. Together, Superpro and Spider-Ham will team up to save the pigskin. I vaguely recall in one issue they saved the Super Bowl, though this was before Janet Jackson showed the NFL old folks what true terror was.
Note: There’s some chance I only want this movie to happen because I own multiple first issues of the comic. Still looking to cash in there.
2024: A Return to Racism
The Gunhawk (June, 2024)
Disney has a long proud history of racism, they started dipping their toe back into the pool with The Lone Ranger. In 2024 they are going to direct Marvel to push all boundaries with The Gunhawk. What exactly is a “gunhawk”? Beats me, but if Dan Snyder has anything to say about it the co-marketing will be off the charts. Superpro will make a cameo! They’ll be a end credits scene involving RG3’s knee ligaments doing a song and dance. All in all, it will be a dynamic end to Phase Four, and a grand build up to Phase Five.
Aaaaaaaaannnndddddd speaking of Phase Five, I’m headed out to get in line for the “Cinco”, gotta get myself ahead of the game. Look out 2025, I’m on your tail! Heeyooooooooo, Spider-Ham, awaaaaaaaaaaay!
Laremy is on Twitter and is really hoping to get hired by Marvel for the Linda Carter: Student Nurse project.