Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close Wins the Oscar for Most Oscar-y

Senior Editor
09.29.11 22 Comments

After the jump, I’ve got the newest trailer for Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, the film adaptation of Jonathan Safran Foer’s 2005 novel, starring Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock, and some booger-faced milk baby (Kids Jeopardy champ Thomas Horn). It was directed by Stephen Daldry, who, having previously directed The Hours, Billy Elliot, and The Reader, specializes in critically acclaimed Oscar-bait movies that everyone says are good but you couldn’t convince me to watch in a million billion years. Not that they aren’t good. Heck, I want to see them. It’s just… my eyeballs and Nicole Kidman in a fake nose pretending to be Virginia Woolf… they’re like opposable magnets, you know? Anyway, this one was adapted by Eric Roth, who did Forrest Gump, Munich, and Benjamin Button. AND it stars a precocious child. If this doesn’t win a million Oscars, I will eat Colin Firth’s monocle.

Seriously? Crying widows and U2? Oh for f*ck’s sake.

Based on the acclaimed novel of the same name, “Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close” tells the story of one young boy’s journey from heartbreaking loss to the healing power of self-discovery, set against the backdrop of the tragicevents of September 11. Eleven-year-old Oskar Schell is an exceptional child: amateur inventor, Francophile, pacifist. And after finding a mysterious key that belonged to his father, who died in the World Trade Center on 9/11, he embarks on an exceptional journey–an urgent, secret search through the five boroughs of New York. As Oskar roams the city, he encounters a motley assortment of humanity, who are all survivors in their own ways. Ultimately, Oskar’s journey ends where it began, but with the solace of that most human experience: love. [Apple]

Oh, and don’t forget, it also has WWII flashbacks. This is not an Oscar movie, this is a parody of an Oscar movie.

I’m just mad they rejected my version of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. It tells the true story of a night with Gary Busey (in the style of My Dinner with André).

“Look, kid, it’s like I’ve always said. Pigeon Hats: Penetrating Inside Grass-Eating Organ Nymphs, Have All The Sausage. I make up acronyms all the time, I use them guide me– HEY, BUTTHORN! TURN OFF THE COTTON-PICKIN’ COMMERCIALS!” (*jumps through plate glass window, rips out hobo’s endocrine system*)

That’d be a way better movie.

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