By now, we’re all familiar with the ubiquitous “Florida Man” stories. But for today’s Florida Friday, we bring you news of Florida Man’s lesser-known feminine (sorta) counterpart, Florida Woman. Faster than meth high, dumber than a flying cinder block, she fights sanity in an invisible trailer and lassos decorum with a python she won in a bug-eating contest. Florida Woman this week took the form of 18-year-old Aalaya Walker. Walker was in St. Petersburg visiting her friend JJ, and at some point, they both got hungry, so she decided to warm up the oven to make some waffles. That’s when she found out JJ keeps his bullets in the oven, because one exploded and shot her. So I guess technically, this is all Florida Man’s fault after all.
A few moments after Walker, 18, preheated the oven in the apartment, at 218 24th St. N., there was an explosion. Walker was peppered with shell casing fragments though technically not shot.
I like that they use “peppered.” Because in Florida, shell-casing fragments are the spice of life.
Her friend, Jarvarski Sandy, 25, told police he had left his Glock 21 .45-caliber handgun in the oven drawer but had put the magazine, with four rounds in it, in the oven itself, the police report says.
The magazine exploded about 9 p.m. ET, spraying casing fragments at high speed and striking Walker. She managed to pick some of the fragments out of her leg and chest and then took a bus to the hospital, where she was treated and released.
“She took a bus to the hospital.”
Sandy “stated that he does not have a temperature gauge on the oven so he estimates the temperature based on how far the knob is turned,” according to the police report, which was obtained by the Times. “I observed that the inside of the oven was damaged.”
Hold on, you mean to tell me these two captains of industry had an oven with no temperature gauge?
No charges were filed. Sandy, who works at a Wal-Mart store, has no criminal record and a concealed weapons permit.
Look, I don’t want to make a gun-control argument here, but let’s just point out that the guy who works at Wal-Mart and stores his guns in the oven HAS A CONCEALED WEAPONS PERMIT.
And after all that, the most shocking part of this story to me is that you can cook waffles in an oven. Seriously though, how the f*ck does that work? Is there a type of waffle iron that you have to heat in the oven first?
….Wait, wait, no, I just pieced it together. I will bet you a thousand dollars that she was trying to make FROZEN waffles in the oven because Chef Boyardon’t over here doesn’t have a toaster. Aaaand suddenly the world makes sense again. Nice work, team.
It’d make a good Naked Gun bit if she’d tried to warm up the oven, gotten shot, and then put the waffles in the toaster oven, only to discover he’d stashed a Derringer in there. In any case, apt story, because when a Florida woman gets pregnant, it’s commonly said that she “has a gun in the oven.”