Bros, we’ve all been there before. It’s Friday night, there’s nothing going on, and you just want to have a lone bro night with a case of grape soda and a brand new copy of LOL on Blu-Ray. And of course you need your $5 Domino’s Pizza, because you can’t beat that value. That dude in the commercial says that pizza is worth at least $13, so go ahead and get yourself an order of garlic knots, too. You’ve earned it.
But God forbid the delivery man forget those knots, because there will be hell to pay. Especially in Florida, the violence-over-balls-of-buttered-dough capital of the world.
Robert Wheeler, 48, was busted last week following the confrontation outside his Vero Beach home. The 346-pound Wheeler… was arrested by Indian River County Sheriff’s Office deputies for misdemeanor battery.
The deliveryman, Jonathon Feigen, told investigators that Wheeler struck him below the left eye after he rolled down the window of his vehicle. Feigen, 19, added that, “Wheeler punched him because he forgot the garlic knots.” (Via The Smoking Gun)
That sounds like a pretty ridiculous reason to be punching a person. Can we at least get the massive hulk of a man’s side of the story first?
When questioned by deputies, Wheeler admitted punching Feigen, but claimed that “the issue was not over forgetting the missing garlic knots with the pizza,” but rather that the pizza place owes him money.
Here’s the problem with journalism these days. How do you give me a piece of information like that and then not elaborate? The pizza place owes him money, for what? Did he work there? Did he fix some drywall or replace some bad plumbing in the bathroom? Did the crystal meth goblins from the planet Xanababa tell him that he gets $1 for every cinnamon stick sold? We need to know this stuff.
Meanwhile, it’s not a complete Florida story unless we get some final personal details.
The unemployed Wheeler was booked into the county jail, and later released after posting $500 bond. Sheriff’s records indicate that Wheeler’s tattoo inventory includes ink of a bunny, a reptile, and a skeleton. He also has the word “Fat” on his left arm, and the word “Boy” on his right arm.
Don’t worry, ladies. He’s single.
They have a saying in Florida: “Blame it on the bath salts”.
He’s single? I don’t get it. He punches dudes and has tats, if cheesy 80s movies have shown me anything it’s that really hot girls with awful hairspray hair LOVE guys like that.
Is it the garlic? Is that what’s keeping him single? Cause ladies, don’t know if you know, but garlic keeps the vampires away. BOOM! Not so stinky now is it?!?!?!
(is informed of recent “book”/movie trends)
Gawd damnit, never mind!
It’s also hard to believe he’s unemployed. With those “people skills?”
Don’t ever get between a 346-pound man and anything edible.
I can attest to that
Chris Brown punched Rhianna because the pizza she delivered to him was short on mozzarella ella ella.
Outstanding work, sir.
Chino has so many shirts from cotw she might as well be an uproxx employee.
Surprised the sheriff’s office didn’t mention his giant “Don’t Annoy the Noid” back tattoo.
I’m guessing maybe he paid with debit before delivery and that’s why they owe him for the forgotten garlic knots, even though they can fix that over the phone anyway. Or he’s insane.
More like garlic NOTS.
*corner*
I’ve always used Garlic Knot as the gender opposite of Camel Toe.
Hey girl, don’t worry about forgetting my knots; I need to cut back on saturated fats anyway.
It’s hard to get hired when prospective employers see something as gay as “Planeteer” on your resume.
Dude, always Florida!