Don’t Ever Forget A Floridian’s Garlic Knots… Or Else

Bros, we’ve all been there before. It’s Friday night, there’s nothing going on, and you just want to have a lone bro night with a case of grape soda and a brand new copy of LOL on Blu-Ray. And of course you need your $5 Domino’s Pizza, because you can’t beat that value. That dude in the commercial says that pizza is worth at least $13, so go ahead and get yourself an order of garlic knots, too. You’ve earned it.

But God forbid the delivery man forget those knots, because there will be hell to pay. Especially in Florida, the violence-over-balls-of-buttered-dough capital of the world.

Robert Wheeler, 48, was busted last week following the confrontation outside his Vero Beach home. The 346-pound Wheeler… was arrested by Indian River County Sheriff’s Office deputies for misdemeanor battery.

The deliveryman, Jonathon Feigen, told investigators that Wheeler struck him below the left eye after he rolled down the window of his vehicle. Feigen, 19, added that, “Wheeler punched him because he forgot the garlic knots.” (Via The Smoking Gun)

That sounds like a pretty ridiculous reason to be punching a person. Can we at least get the massive hulk of a man’s side of the story first?

When questioned by deputies, Wheeler admitted punching Feigen, but claimed that “the issue was not over forgetting the missing garlic knots with the pizza,” but rather that the pizza place owes him money.

Here’s the problem with journalism these days. How do you give me a piece of information like that and then not elaborate? The pizza place owes him money, for what? Did he work there? Did he fix some drywall or replace some bad plumbing in the bathroom? Did the crystal meth goblins from the planet Xanababa tell him that he gets $1 for every cinnamon stick sold? We need to know this stuff.

Meanwhile, it’s not a complete Florida story unless we get some final personal details.

The unemployed Wheeler was booked into the county jail, and later released after posting $500 bond. Sheriff’s records indicate that Wheeler’s tattoo inventory includes ink of a bunny, a reptile, and a skeleton. He also has the word “Fat” on his left arm, and the word “Boy” on his right arm.

Don’t worry, ladies. He’s single.