Frotcast 76: Awkward Movie Moments with Mom, Matt Ufford

Senior Editor
12.01.11 17 Comments

Listen on the player above, or download this week’s episode as an mp3 here (right-click, “save as.”)

The theme of this week’s Frotcast is “Awkward Movie Moments with Mom.” Basically, the idea being that last week was Thanksgiving, and I’m sure you all had a chance to watch movies with the fam. Which is always great, until you’re sitting there watching some awkward sex scene with your mom and she makes some unintentionally revealing comment that you won’t be able to bleach out of your brain as long as you live. You sent us some great stories, plus, Brendan reads us some hilariously paranoid email forwards from middle-aged moms, and I explain how I got a black eye from a bar fight for making fun of some guys’ scarves over the weekend.

Departing Warming Glow editor Matt Ufford was also live via Skype to tell us EXCLUSIVELY, FOR THE FIRST TIME about his post-Warming Glow career plans, as well as dispense answers to all your relationship questions (just like the KSK mailbag). And because it’s unavoidable, we divulged a few of our weird porn stories and argued about Denzell Washington.

FOR NEXT WEEK: We’d love more relationship questions (movie questions also accepted), and we’d love your suggestions for a FilmDrunk YouTube series (not mash-ups, but actual videos we would star in). EMAIL US, SUBSCRIBE TO THIS MOTHER BITCH ON ITUNES. LEAVE US A VOICE MAIL: 415 275-0030

LISTENER’S CORNER: In addition to the banner art (inspired by last week’s koi call episode, sent in by listener Jesse — great job! but it’s “Michael Irvin,” no G), Matt B made us this Fart Carol. I also thought this Juggalo email was too long to read, but good enough to share:

Hey Frotcateurs,

I’ve noticed you all seem to have an obsession/fascination with/boner for Juggalos. After listening to you guys discuss them and their…culture(?), I thought I might be able to offer up some insight on the subject.

Shortly after getting out of jail in 2008, I went to a government trade school of sorts. It was in an isolated part of Washington and had the students living in dormitories. The residents/students were assorted troubled youth and early twenty-something failures and f*ck-ups. Being a f*ck up with above a third-grade reading level, I was soon managing the daily affairs for an entire dorm, or about 80 students. Before coming to the center, I’d never heard of Juggalos. It turned out that about 60% of the 250 or so students were down with the clown. The rest were either rednecks, Mexican, or me and a Hawaiian kid. Needless to say, I was quickly schooled in their varied philosophies and life lessons.

Here are a few things I can remember hearing with a brief amount of context.

“I AIN’T YO SLAVE.” – A (very white) teenage Juggalo upon being asked to windex and wipe his own bathroom mirror.

“If you ain’t down with the clown then you’re just gonna be suckin’ dicks for the rest of your life.” – Part of an answer to “what is a juggalo?”

“Yo, I ain’t wanna be gross or nothin’, but if you gonna be in JT’s room I wouldn’t never take a bath in that tub. That dude take shits when he in the shower. Also, dudes be jerkin’ off in there all the time.” -Told to me by a future prison-rapee with a Milenko neck tattoo. Literally within 20 minutes of arriving on campus.

“The water breaks it up dude. Don’t be a f*cking pussy.” – JT

“When my uncle was in jail, that nigga figured out he could push his dick all the way in and then hold it for like five minutes before it popped back out. He called that sh*t ‘the transformer.'” – Also JT

“My farts was sharp all f*ckin’ mornin’. It’s been hella itchy.” – This kid Jeff the day after he ate an entire bag of sun flower seeds with the shells still on. He actually sh*t his pants about an hour later while we were shoveling snow.

“Yeah, so anyway, you think I can huff this?” – A Juggalette (suuuuuper morbidly obese) upon finding a spray can of keyboard cleaner in the computer lab that had opened that day.

“I’m only here ’cause be and my cousin, we were at this party with the Russian mob and this dude punched my cousin and we like, f*cked up his car. It was like a Ferrari or one of those nice ass cars. So now they’re basically at war with my cousin, so I gotta hide out up here where they won’t find me.” – I included this because here’s a fun Juggalo fact: holy sh*t they’re pathological liars. Like all of them. You can tell a story about anything and they will one up your sh*t times a million, but with massive amounts of hyperbole and a child-like grasp of what’s believable.

Basically, imagine living with the stupidest, but strangely lovable, group of people you can imagine. Every other interaction is a surreal experience that normative culture in no way prepares you for. They’re pretty much universally lazy, entitled as hell, ignorant on just about every topic, but also super opinionated. Like the ‘occupy’ people, but weaned on Night Train and raised by daytime judge shows and bails bonds commercials. The most popular movie on campus was ‘Click’ with Adam Sandler and about half of them knew every f*cking fact about ‘Deadliest Catch’ you could possibly know. I feel like that says a lot about them as a people.


[Dude who’s name I’m not sure whether I’m allowed to use]

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