The 2014 Oscars Swag Bag Includes A Gift Certificate For Vaginal Rejuvenation, Among Other Things

The 2013 Oscar nominee swag bag was valued somewhere in the neighborhood of $55,000 and was filled with everything from travel vouchers to expensive tequila to something called a “Vampire Facelift,” which sounds like something you might need after a vacation full of chugging expensive tequila. This all seemed quite extravagant and unnecessary (as evidenced by the inclusion of $60 worth of gluten-free macaroons and a $24 copy of Leeza Gibbons self-help book Take 2: Your Guide to Happy Endings and New Beginnings, respectively), but “extravagant and unnecessary” is one of the things Hollywood does best, so let’s do it all again, shall we? But this time let’s do it BIGGER and WEIRDER.

Business Insider has a full rundown of everything inside this year’s $85,000 bag (!), which I recommend reading from top to bottom in your best Robin Leach voice for full effect. Here are some of my favorites:

  • $2,700 – An “O-Shot,” which is a vaginal rejuvenation procedure that claims to help boost a woman’s sex drive.
  • $6.49 – A DrainWig, which prevents hair clogs in your shower drain.
  • $95.35 – Horse shampoo and conditioner made for human hair, which (a) exists, and (b) will also prevent clogs in your shower drain, I guess.
  • $16,000 – Hair transplant. In case the horse shampoo doesn’t work.
  • $120 – His and hers Mace brand pepper spray guns. What do his and hers pepper spray guns look like? I’m glad you asked.
  • $280 – High-end organic maple syrup from Rouge Maple. (Fun fact: A repeat entry, as last year’s bag contained $120 worth of the product. This means that repeat nominees Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Adams will soon be the proud owners of $400 worth of maple syrup.)
  • $1,571.98 – Pet supplies, including a year’s supply “pet electrolytes.”
  • Vacations galore, featuring a $2,000 trip to Hawaii, a $3,300 trip to Mexico, a $15,000 walking tour of Japan, a $7,000 “train excursion” across the Canadian Rockies, and a $9,000 Vegas package that includes everything from high-end cookies and cupcakes to — and I promise I am not making this up — meet and greets with Meat Loaf, the cast of Pawn Stars, and Boyz II Men.

So there you have it. If you’re a balding Oscar nominee who needs her vagina rejuvenated and would really like to pepper spray Boyz II Men in Las Vegas, this Sunday will be your lucky day, win or lose.

Source: Business Insider