I’m pretty spiteful, (they call me “the elephant” because I never forget), but for my revenge, I usually just use my ex-girlfriend’s phone number to sign up for store discount cards (ENJOY YOUR JUNK MAIL FROM RALPH’S YOU BITCH). But Baron Von Mullet here’s idea of revenge was pretty creative too, I guess:
WASECA, Minn. (WCCO) — A Waseca man is accused of planting an explosive device inside a sex toy intended for one of his ex-girlfriends.
37-year-old Terry Allen Lester has been charged with felony counts of creating an explosive device and making terroristic threats.
The incident was reported on New Year’s Day. Authorities said Lester had been staying with the apparent intended victim and another woman. He had been forced to leave the apartment by the landlord but left behind bags, one of which contained a container marked “Christmas Gifts.”
Aw, you got me a present? How sweet! And it’s even wrapped in a trash bag? Darling, you shouldn’t have!
Lester allegedly mentioned to one of the two roommates his intentions, so they reported their suspicions about the bags to police.
The criminal complaint says police found a sex toy inside the package that had been modified with gun powder and buck shot, which were connected to a trigger inside the battery port.
Police say the device was missing a key starting element, but it still could have exploded.
Lester has been a long-time customer at Lindner’s Liquor. [SHOCKING. -Ed]
“I am in total shock. I could not believe it when I read it for sure. He has always been nice when he has come into the store,” Owner Tae Borne said. [MICBSLocal via Barstool]
I think the obvious solution here is to hook up Terry Allen Lester with West Virginia’s Melissa Lee Williams. She’d probably grab that black powder-and-buckshot-stuffed dildo out of your hand, stuff it up in her, and the next thing you know, all you’d see is a tiny plume of smoke coming from under her skirt as she handed it back to you, saying, “Nice try, f*ggot, but it’s outta batteries,” and spat tobacco juice on your dinner jacket.
“Terry? Well sure, he was always sayin’ stuff like ‘I got somethin’ that’ll blow yer pussy off!’ but I had no idea he was serious.”