High-school baseballers sacrifice chicken, Jobu unimpressed

A pair of high-school baseball players were caught MURDERING poor DEFENSELESS BABY CHICKENS in a cruel attempt to improve their batting averages this week, according to reports.  Movies may be to blame, as chicken-sacrifice was of course a feature of multiple baseball films, including Bull Durham and Major League, which starred Dennis Haysbert as Pedro Cerrano.  Well.  It seems as if Mr. AllState’s “good hands” are suddenly COVERED IN THE BLOOD OF CHICKENS!

Benbrook Police Sgt. John Van Ness confirmed Thursday that authorities have charged the two players with cruelty to livestock animals. He said the case has been turned over to the Tarrant County Juvenile Court where a decision will be made on whether to prosecute the two players, ages 15 and 16.

Van Ness said a baby chick was decapitated March 17 behind the school’s baseball fields and then another one killed the same way March 18.  The two players were kicked off the team for the rest of the year and disciplined by the district, school officials said.

Which still leaves the big question: did it work?

The Cougars have gone 2-1 since the incident, including Wednesday night’s 11-1 victory over Southwest High School. Fort Worth Dunbar plays at Western Hills.

Two and one, hmm… Sounds like a moderate success.  I guess this means JOBU DEMANDS MORE HEADLESS CHICKENS!

Meanwhile, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals reached out to Western Hills, offering and encouraging administrators to help with animal education issues. It also encouraged the school to form an animal rights club on campus.

Ugh, of course they did.

Principal James Wellman is reviewing PETA’s material as he explores ways to address the incident, which could also include working with a local group or student leaders, district spokesman Clint Bond said.

“As a district, we don’t condone this kind of behavior,” Bond said. “That’s why these students have been disciplined, severely disciplined in the Western Hills case. Our school district is not rampant with animal abuse.”

Bond said the two cases are examples of how some youths may not fully understand what the consequences of their actions are.  “We all wish it would have been a bucket of fried chicken like it was in the movie Major League,” Bonds said. [Fort-Worth Star Telegram]

Oh right, it’s the youths that don’t understand the consequences of their actions.  Hey stupid, you realize that fried chicken didn’t come out of the egg like that, right?  I have a lot of respect for the non-preachy vegetarians among us, because if I didn’t love the taste of animal flesh so much, I wouldn’t eat fuzzy cute things either.  But since I do eat meat, I have to recognize that that involves CUTTING OFF AN ANIMAL’S HEAD AND REMOVING ITS MEAT and not be such a pussy about it.  I guess what I’m saying is, if you’re going to severely discipline kids for killing fuzzy cute things, you probably shouldn’t point out that you eat those same things every day in your speech like a goddamned moron.  Man up.  “Decapitating” an animal tends to be the most humane way to kill it.  It’s not like they f-cked it first.

-Thanks to Unsilent for the tip