The Hollyweird Legal Round-Up is our weekly guide to the latest entertainment lawsuits and lawyerly pud-slinging, written by our legal correspondent, real-life Hollywood lawyer “Buttockus Finch.” (Probably not his real name). This week, he takes on Ellen Page’s leaked “nudes,” and Lindsay Lohan’s latest allegation that someone is trying to copy her.
Drop your c*cks and grab your socks! Then grab your c*cks again, because this week is all about
1. Click Bait.
Read: Click, ‘Bate. Last week this site posted a banner photo of kosher Wonder Woman-elect Gal Gadot.

This One.
A coincidence that this was the most commented-upon story of the week? My heart tells me no. Because I work in an Industry that does not put much of a premium on originality, I searched for a legal story involving GalGa (probably a suboptimal nickname). Sadly, in vain–you’d think somebody would be suing her for, I don’t know, forcing them to rethink the Israeli-Palestinian conflict or whatever. Nada. Nunca. However, by doing a Boolean on “litigation” AND “the ladies,” I was, like Mel Gibson at a Leni Riefenstahl film festival, not disappointed.
2. Leaking Nude Nontroversy.
In some quarters, video games are considered “entertainment,” so here I go. The medium has apparently progressed since I played Pong on the way home from Studio 54, so now you need to get movie stars to be in the things. Ellen Page, known for rawdogging Michael Cera in Juno and setting the record for most expository questions in Inception, put on the Andy Serkis suit to be the model for Beyond: Two Souls.

[Not Pictured: Ellen Page]

(via Getty Image)
Oh goddamit, thanks for the hardoff. You’re a cute enough girl, Ellie–maybe dial back the quirk a couple of notches in your photos and let the boys do what boys do.
AAAAAAaanyhooters, word got around recently that in one scene that features young Page showering–and again, I must note that Space Invaders was a hit despite the absence of virtual bathing–it was possible to anthromorph the neural pixelation or whatever and change camera angles so as to see binary cooter. Some European websites posted still images and received stern rebukes from game owner Sony.
“Does this mean that Ms. Page is very unhappy with the leak? Lawsuit incoming, perhaps?”
When a “news” “story” leads with a question, the answer is invariably no.
“Ellen Page may not be happy about the nude renders . . . that hit the Internet last month, but it seems as though she’s not pursuing (nor had she pursued) any legal means to get the images removed.”
F*ck. Thanks for getting my hopes up, Sony. This could have been a kind of interesting case–obviously (?) Page’s contributions to the game creation process did not include detailed tittay or pudenda modelling, so she would have been complaining about her fake face being animatroned onto somebody else’s fake body. Which, weird, but maybe still actionable.
Missing the point.
I didn’t post a link to the NSFW screen shots, because they’re weak, and if you’re incapable of finding worthwhile stroking material on the Internet you don’t deserve to climax. However, the link above from eskimopress.com, “The Proud Nordic Entertainment Press” (this one), includes the full clip of the shower scene. It doesn’t show any of her bits, but much more alarming, it has her taking a lengthy (and, might I add, boring) shower WITHOUT USING SOAP. You’d think Page would be concerned about the effect that would have on her image, unless she’s cool with people imagining her body covered in moist dirt.
So there are murky issues involving celebrity video game appearances, but Page won’t be blazing any trails in clarifying them. Women of Show Bidness, are there any among you courageous enough to take on the interactive world?
3. Grand Theft Zero.
Enter sweet sweet Lindsay Lohan, the face that launched a thousand legal actions.

Ho Ho, Ho: In Sexier Days
An obscure game called Grand Theft Auto V (not to be confused with V, V for Vendetta, Henry V, Eugene V. Debs or Ellen Page’s pixelated V) was released a few months ago with little fanfare and was able to scrape together $1 billion in sales in 3 days. I just reread that sentence and shifted the focus of my practice to interactive–call me Rockstar Games! Apparently, any mention of a felony arouses Lindsay from her stupor (“whose auto did I grand thieve?”), and this time it may have possibly allegedly inspired her to call a lawyer that doesn’t handle criminal defense.
“Lohan’s lawyers are currently crafting a lawsuit demanding Rockstar pay for the use of Lindsay’s image in the game.”
Note: I know zero about darkhorizons.com, but I linked to them because 1) they summarized the situation pretty well and 2) screw TMZ and Deadline. Now, let’s look at the cover art for GTAV to see what 2013 Lindsay considers her “image”:

[Not Pictured: Ellen Page]
True, there are also moments within the game itself that supposedly depict Double L. Here’s me posting a begrudging link to TMZ, only because I hate you and myself and they include a video clip from the game at the bottom. Watch it at your peril.
Four thoughts I had while watching that GTAV clip.
1) the woman doesn’t look much like Lohan.
2) in a game about horrible driving, making a character that’s supposedly Lohan the passenger on the back of a motorcycle seems like a wasted opportunity.
3) the rest of the game better be more exciting than the lengthy commute they show here.
4) the most offensive depiction I see is of black guys, all of whom should file a big class action and Multi-Million Man March into court.
Still, if Lindsay claims to be the basis for the cover art, there are better explanations. The website of record reported the fairly convincing theory that the drawing is based on model Kate Upton upskirt lesbo oiled up (clicks). Visual non-evidence evidence:

To replace that Lohan image in your mind.
The Plot Thins. Turns out, the actual model for the illustration is Shelby Welinder, not Lindsay Lohan, and definitely not Kate Upton bloomers knickers burka (diverse clicks). OR IS IT?
Here’s a comparison shot of Welinder and the drawing:

Is that a cardigan?
I got this photo from a Brazilian site, which is wildly entertaining if you translate the Portuguese into English:
“Shebly [sic] on his [sic] twitter, posted note showing that she was even hired by rockstar! ‘It’s cool to see all these people referring to me as a porn star or a slut.’”
And the most supposedly-convincing evidence is Shelby’s contract proving that she was hired as a model by Rockstar. Which, fine, but that doesn’t mean the drawing is based on her. She only looks more like that picture than Upton does if you focus on the, how can I put this, face. Plus, if you wanted to sell a product to young men in 2013, would you rather use the image of the most famous bikini model in the world or someone plucked at random out of blonde chick Gitmo? Conundrum!
Overall, Upton would have the best argument for filing suit. Any action Lohan might pursue would be fruitless from a legal perspective, but possibly successful as a pathetic attempt to keep her name in the press, which leads me to believe it will happen. Seriously, Rockstar, why isn’t one of my phones ringing? I reached out to you, like, paragraphs ago.
The lesson as always, ladies: if you’re not Kate Upton, there’s a living to be made by looking very much like Kate Upton; if you are Kate Upton, and you’re in the market for new counsel, get at me girl; and if you’re Lindsay Lohan, occasionally try looking in a mirror that isn’t horizontal. My final 1,003 words for you this week:

Happy Belated Hanukah.
The character on the cover and the character in the game are different so that makes it an even stranger argument.
Plus the first time you meet that character she’s getting it from behind near the pool so I guess Lindsey wants to put a copyright on doggystyle?
“It’s cool to see all these people referring to me as a porn star or a slut.”
Presumably poor translation aside, couldn’t Lindsay now also sue this Shelby chick for brand copyright infringement?
See the precedent set in the Gimmick Infringment case brought in the court of WWE: The Rock v. Chris Jericho in which The Rock proved that Jericho has no swagger of his own whatsoever.
I would counter with the 1988 precedent from Atlanta, of Midnight Express v. Midnight Express.
(BTW, how the hell do you do italics in this posts?)
@BGR–related: for all your caffeine needs.
[www.keurig.com]
I long for the days when NSFW sites were embedded along with the TMZ ones.
but seriously. I haven’t been to darkhorizons.com in forever. Completely forgot I ever did until this article.
Agreed. It was a great site around the turn of the century when the only alternatives were CHUD (Not bad) and Aintitcool (Harry Knowles is The Antichrist in the form of a fat, neckbeard ginger).
Lindsay Lohan looks old enough to be Ellen Page’s mom.
Yeah, Shelby Wellinder is the girl that picture is based on, but in the comparison picture you used the girl depicted is Alexis Texas. Shelby is kinda different.
Sigh. I was focused on the cardigan. Still, none of the pix I found of Shelby looked even remotely like the cover art. Rockstar can (and, I would suggest, will) say whatever keeps them out of trouble, but that drawing looks muuuuch more like Upton than Wellinder. I think the thought process was: we can’t get Kate Upton to model for us, so we’ll hire some unknown blonde model but then make the illustration look more like Upton than the random
* The people reading these comments would like to make it clear that they have no idea who this “Alexis Texas” person might be, nor are they familiar with her oeuvre.
I didn’t know that Alexis Texas has a face.
Belated wordplay: “Page may initiate titigation.”
#nailedit
Good shit man! I can’t believe I always skip over your posts (I’m allergic to big words). Not any more!
In fact, I’d like to put you on retainer for the Burnsyfanclub. People drum up all sorts of fraudulent charges against us all the time, just cause they’re jealous of all the HOTT GOSS Burnsy spits… like we even need to create dirty gossip.
Including but not limited to:
Conspiracy – there are multiple claims we arranged the hit on Paris Hilton’s little bro AND framed the fourmentioned LiLo. (lawyer/patient confidentiality here, we are guilty as shit… I’m not a layer but technically, we CONSPIRED to commit CONSPIRACY, ipso de facto: Double Negative Jeopardy! – the conspiracy charges cancel themselves out.)
Paternity Suits – these are frequently more against Burnsy than the fanclub. But we would like to counter that this is less a case about dead beat dads and more about slander. These girls are all FAT and UGLY – isn’t telling everyone they banged Burnsy attacking his character and just flat out rude?! Besides, he always had the jimmy on exta tight – if the glove fits you must acquit!
Copyright Infringement – BurnsyFanatic22 says I stole his schtick. But I think we can bring affection to the case of Buttockus Finch, Esq vs Butterscotch Rex, Esq, in which you cited “Kramer vs Kramer” and got the case thrown out. 43% of the time, saying “Dustin Hoffman touched my secret no no place” works everytime! Jurors are suckers for a good celebrity fingerbang story as long as you whip up some fake tears.
Unfortunately, the Burnsyfanclub is kinda broke after that pyramid scheme debacle… so you are going to have to do this carpe diem.
But Burnsy is family… UPROXX family… so I’m sure it’s all good in the hood! Welcome to the team Mr. Buttockus Finch, Esq!!
This is more inspiring than the time I watched Justice Rehnquist use the scales of justice to weigh an 8 ball. Considered yourself lawyered up. I will represent you amateur bono, since pro seems beyond your means.
Awesome!! Having your own lawyer is like a license to commit crime!
This is why Lux Lucre killed himself or died of a broken heart or whatever happened to him. I’m glad he managed to spare himself our age of pathetic nontreversy.
Caveat: my response to the Ellen Page picture seems a tad harsh. What happened was, I had found one where she’s holding up a sign that says “I Wear Boys’ Underwear.” My reaction to *that* was, wow, here’s this attractive woman going out of her way to flaccidify me, and that seems uncool. Not sure about you, but a girl in boys’ underwear doesn’t do it for me.
So we had permission to use that pic, but then I randomly bumped into her lawyer in the valet line outside of The Palm. It hardly matters who had been huffing what in the men’s room or who keyed “shyster” onto the hood of whom’s Bentley. To make a long story tedious, we were no longer able to use the photo in question.
Bottom line, Ellen, you are lovely and talented and I would be happy to represent you. Your lawyer is a putz and his Bentley needs a new paint job.
Nudes of Ellen Page? I thought I clicked on Filmdrunk, not 4chan.
Yay! I get to write about you next week. I don’t know if Christmas came early or Hanukah came late, but I came right on time.
I clicked on this article from flipboard because of the attention grabbing title. I wasn’t sure if the writer is my grandpa’s age or a closet gamer who didn’t want people to know that they play. How out of touch with society are you to make a comment about how it’s weird people consider video games entertainment when 2 stories of yours are video game related? Maybe I missed the sarcasm but this seemed really half assed and the news is weeks late.