Senior Editor
12.01.09 31 Comments

Variety and Collider have the latest on the Twilight front (yep, there’s one of those now), which is basically that the studio wants to break the final book, Breaking Dawn, into two movies, only they don’t have the logistics worked out yet (they want Chris Weitz to return as director but he’s not signed).  Meanwhile, CHUD provides us with a helpful rundown of just what we’re dealing with with this Breaking Dawn thing, and I promise it’s worth a read:

Breaking Dawn opens with Bella Swan finally getting married to Edward Cullen. They go off to honeymoon on Isle Esme, a Brazilian island the Cullen clan owns (this is already ridiculous beyond belief. Imagine a vampire going snorkeling; it basically happens in this book), and Edward is afraid to f-ck his new bride. The reason: he’s super strong and she’s just a human. But Bella wears him down and Edward throws it in her – and knocks her the f-ck out, leaving her badly bruised.

Despite being knocked out cold by his sexual style (and having the headboard destroyed), Bella goes back to Edward for seconds. This time he knocks her up.  The baby in Bella’s belly starts growing incredibly fast. And it starts hurting Bella, as each kick it gives has the super strength of a vampire behind it. As it grows, Bella gets sicker, and then the good stuff starts. The baby kicks so hard it breaks Bella’s ribs and then severs her spine.

Oh wait, I missed something. Edward is completely freaked out about the baby, fearing it will kill Bella. He tries to convince her to get an abortion (but seriously, how could she? Vampires are tough to kill even in this sh-tty series), and goes so far as asking Native American wolfboy Jacob to impregnate his wife so that she can have the baby she desperately wants. I’m dizzy with how ridiculous this is, and we’re just getting started.
Eventually the baby starts to get born and Bella is dying. The baby has telepathy, by the way, so everybody can read its thoughts while it’s in the womb, and it turns out to have an essentially adult mind.

In a moment that demands to be shown on the silver screen, Edward gives Bella an emergency C-section with his f-cking teeth.

Once the baby is out, Bella gets vamped by Edward, as she’s about to die at any moment. Then comes the most astonishing turn of events in 21st century literature, and possibly in the entire history of awful fiction aimed at tweens: Jacob the werewolf, who has been madly in love with Bella, sees the new baby girl and immediately imprints on her. What this means, in layman’s terms, is that he falls in love with the baby.

The book makes no bones about this; while Jacob doesn’t want to f-ck the baby right off the bat, he can’t stand to be away from it and visits every day. His love has been transferred from Bella to the baby (who has the tongue shattering name Renesmee), and because of the science behind imprinting he’ll love her forever. So one day he’s going to stick his wolf dick in this girl that he see as a bloody newborn.

That’s right, a werewolf falls in love with a baby.  A telepathic, half-vampire baby with the mind of an adult.  It just goes to show that sex is always dangerous, and ethnic types will always be animals who want to put their evil into your precocious, sparkling white children.  It’s a story as old as time.

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