If a gritty Peter Pan reboot from the director of Atonement is something you never wanted, sidle up, friend, and I’ll order us a rye with two straws. For everyone else, there’s Pan, from Warner Bros and director Joe Wright, starring Hugh Jackman as the proto-hook, Blackbeard. Supposedly set during WWII, it opens with Peter (Levi Miller), living in some Tim Burton-esque orphanage overseen by a Tim Burton-esque flying nun set to Tim Burton-esque music. Then one night, Blackbeard’s band of scary clowns falls through the ceiling to steal up all the chilluns.
The clowns take them on flying pirate ships to Neverland, where Blackbeard makes them work in his massive scenery-chewing mine.
It’s there that Peter meets the young Captain Hook, which we know because he says, “The name’s Hook, James Hook, ha ch-cha cha cha!”
Who among us wasn’t itching to see that version of Peter Pan where Peter and Captain Hook are great friends? After that, some other stuff happens, and then Rooney Mara shows up to play the love interest, Tiger Lily, traditionally a Native American princess, represented here by a white lady from a very rich family wearing feathers and stuff.
Her “tribe” then names Peter the Pan, bestowing upon him a pan flute necklace, a token of great honor at their chain of Peruvian restaurants. Entitles the wearer to a free ceviche, I’m told.
Then Blackbeard shows up to do some more shouting, with the director just managing to cut before he breaks into song. Some explosions happen, the music swells, and they show us the cast list.
At this stage, it’s hard to say whether Hook turns evil in this one, or in one of the undoubtedly-planned sequels. Maybe the commemorative fast food tie-in cups will give us some hint? More news on that as it comes. In the meantime, let’s all appreciate this one dude’s rhino helmet, which I think we can all agree is pretty boss.
Opens July 17th.