FlipBoardNine times out of ten when a person is offended by something, it’s because he or she is an idiot. Moral outrage = not enough oxygen in the womb. Sorry, folks, it’s just science. But then this poster for Rob Marshall’s Nine came out, and I thought hey, why should stupid people have all the fun? I want to be the aggrieved party for once. So, as an Italian-American, I’d like to formally express my moral outrage at having Nine use the tagline “Be Italian.” What is that supposed to mean? Is this how you see us? What an unfair stereotype. You think we all just run around singing cheesy-ass songs and shooting movies that make perfume ads look subtle by comparison? Screw you, buddy, you can’t just go around making sweeping generalizations like that, this isn’t Mexico.
I went ahead and made a poster that better reflects the diverse nature of real Italians. I used an ancient symbol of national pride, Italian Anteater.
[via Cinematical, Yahoo]
![[avatar]](https://profilecdn-woven.netdna-ssl.com/photo/257/profile)
I FUCKING LOVE TAGLIATELLE!!!!!
“Be Italian” means “Get a pushcart”
Italians are hairy.
I’m offended by the Mighty Fek’lhr’s Nine. But that’s just because it’s a naked Klingon doing a handstand in my living room.
That anteater needs WAY more hair product.
“Be Italian” means “Don’t be ashamed of your organ and dancing monkey”
From what I’ve gather, being Italian would be pretty sweet. You’re surrounded by beautiful Italian women who can cook their asses off and know that when you raise your eyebrow, it’s time to shut the fuck up. Sounds good to me.
Italians are in the mafia.
Lince, being in Iowa, He know Jack and Shit about Italians. In fact, everything he knows about Italians can be summed up with Chef Boyardee, Guido Beach, and Super Mario Brothers.
“Be Italian” means “Hang out at the Jersey shore”
Italians all drive scooters.
I would not be offended by any guy’s nine. EVER.
“Be Italian” means “Embrace date rape”
This Holiday Season Be Italian.
So this movie wants me throw on an Ed Hardy shirt and date rape my way through Bensonhurst?
And fuck, according to the New Moon director, apparently Italians speak Spanish! WTF?
“Be Italian” means “Wear a wife-beater and a gold chain”
Italians gesticulate wildly during turgid discussions about catagorical imperatives.
That was my dick you just stepped on, Chareth.
“Be Italian” means “Get a blow out and hit the club”
In my experience, “B. Italian” is never the box I’m supposed to check in the race/color section of the SRS forms I just filled out.
“Be Italian” means “Talk with your hands”
J-FYI, old school FD on Gamma Squad (6 million hearing aid).
I do enjoy Italian egg nog, however.*
*Petron with a dash of GHB
“Be Italian” means “Enjoy some
fried chickenpasta”Italians say “OOOOOoooooohhhhh!” a lot.
“Be Italian” means “Add ‘a’ to the end of every word”
Italians all have bunches of garlic cloves hanging in the kitchen.
“Be Italian” means “Wear a moustache (this only applies to women)”
“Whatta you matta, Vinny? Why’ah you’ah sellah outs yo people like-uh thees? Look-uh dat good Klingon boy, he no call his-a momma a smooth-a forehead!”
So can someone Photoshop me a huge turdpile on the floor on that Katie Couric pic, or what?*
*realizes no one has ever offered to make Him one of His photoshops ever }}:>(
Italian Uproxx has a site called Gramma squad because why you no call-a you gramma? She cooka you a nice a plate a pasta and you gonna leave a so soon? Wassa matta for you?
I miss Ricky.
At least this time, an Italian hearing the word “nine” won’t be as a response from a German asking about forgiveness for switching allegiances during WWII.
Italian mothers are nosey and notorious hoverers.
Be Italian means… [www.youtube.com]
B.I. Tallinn is the hottest new cop show in Estonia.
Italians are all about butt secks.
No wait, that’s the Greeks.
Academy Award winner Daniel Day Lewis in: The Unbearable Lightness of Being In Crap Like This Just to Get Some Fucking Bills Paid.
I’m totally stabbing some English soccer fans in the ass this Christmas.
I might even bring a knife with me
*air lyre*
True Story;
8 1/2 is an overrated turd.
Burnsy, for once I was hoping for Nelson.
Italian Uproxx has a site called Gramma squad because why you no call-a you gramma? She cooka you a nice a plate a pasta and you gonna leave a so soon? Wassa matta for you?
Fuck any of you that don’t agree, but that shit is funny.
Fek, I have a yeast infection, sorry.
Being Italian means putting Parmigiano-Reggiano on your Corn Flakes.
Italians say “youse” a lot.
Italians get all stabby around the Irish.
Italians own titty bars.
Being Italian means sleeping with horse heads.
Bryce’s grandmother has a site called Gramma squat.