Hollywood is almost done making movies based on books and comic books. The last book was written in 1993, meaning Hollywood only has a handful left to adapt. Comic book movies have been made and remade too many times. New rules state that another Hulk film in not allowed to be made until 2018. At first, the film industry panicked. Producers jumped off the balcony of their mansions, only to land on a balcony directly below. Directors threatened to move to Europe, where it was rumored that books were still being written. Screenwriters threatened that they would start coming up with their own original ideas. It was a dark time for the industry. Luckily, a light was found at the end of the tunnel. Games. Those things have a fan base just like books and comics do, maybe even more so. Since then, plenty of movies have been made based on video games, but few have been based on, or about, board games.
Thanks to Michael Bay (our lord and savior), things are about to change. The board-game-movie is the next big thing, and it’s all starting with the upcoming horror film Ouija. Obviously, Ouija is not the first board-game-movie. However, it is Hasbro’s first horror film. This shows that board-game-movies can be versatile. They don’t always have to be action-adventure films, or comedies. They can also be romantic dramas.
Romantic dramas, you say? Well, that makes me think of this idea I’ve had for a long time now. Funnily enough, it also happens to be about a board game. Twister to be exact. I call it…
1. TWISTER: THE MOVIE (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE MOVIE TWISTER STARRING BILL PAXTON)
(Note: Title subject to change)
This film takes place in Merkipsie, a small southern town I just made up. It’s in Alabama, or Georgia or something. The year is 1966, and the very conservative Merkipsie has just outlawed the sexually-perverse craze that has been sweeping teens and “city-folk” across the nation: Twister. Twister is seen by the town as a clothed orgy. Boys and girls in the same room, touching the same polka dots, and putting their body parts on top of one another. There’s a reason that game has you touching the ground. It’s so you can high-five Satan himself.
Joanna is the shy, yet gorgeous daughter of the town’s wealthy mayor pastor. She gets good grades, never breaks curfew, and is gorgeous. However, Joanna has a dirty secret. On the outside, she may seem like the perfect girl, but on the inside a storm is brewing. Joanna desperately yearns to be independent. She doesn’t want to be told how to live her life. Even worse, she wants people to respect her for her intellect. Joanna keeps these dirty secrets to herself, until a new boy moves to town. His name is Johnny Bad Boy. He is from “the city”, and instantly falls in love with Joanna. They have nothing in common, but Johnny is sure that she is the love of his life, because she is gorgeous. After some convincing, Joanna concludes that Johnny is not like the other boys in town. Those boys only like her because she is gorgeous, and they wear Letterman jackets. Johnny wears a leather jacket. He teaches her how to play Twister, and takes her to all the underground Twister parties. Turns out, Joanna is good. She’s the best twister (slang for a Twister player) Johnny has ever seen. He pleads with her to go with him to Chicago, and compete in the big Twister competition so they can win first place. With the prize money, they can go to Paris. Joanna has always wanted to go to Paris, where the people will be respectful of her, and appreciate her for her intellect. Two days before the big competition in Chicago, Joanna gets caught playing Twister at an abandoned barn ten miles outside of Merkipsie. Her wealthy conservative pastor mayor dad forbids her from playing that game, and from seeing that Johnny Bad Boy ever again.
Some dialogue from this scene…
Mayor Pastor Dad: Do you want to be like Sarah Hamilton over in Beufirmingham? She thought Twister was innocent fun too, and now she’s pregnant. Doesn’t know who the father is. Know why? Because not one, but two men, were with her on that devil-plastic!
Joanna: I’m not Sarah Hamilton, daddy! I don’t play Twister like that. If you’d just watch me, you’d see. I’m good at it. Real good. The best in the country, probably.
Mayor Pastor Dad: If you go to Chicago, and perform at the big televised Twister competition with all those other sinners, I’m sending you to nun school.
Joanna: You can’t do this to me. You just can’t. This is the first time I have ever been happy. For the first time in sixteen years, I’m finally happy.
Mayor Pastor Dad: You disgust me. Go to your room. Don’t come out until you’re a sad, tortured mess again. That’s the daughter I raised!
Joanna ends up staying in her room. She misses the competition, but tells Johnny to go without her. He does, and he ends up competing with a girl he met on the way. They fall in love, and together they win first place. Johnny runs into Joanna at the local burger joint. She decides to confront him.
Johnny Bad Boy: I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but I’m going to Paris.
Joanna: You won?
Johnny Bad Boy: Yeah, Minnie and I. We won together.
Joanna: Who is Minnie?
Johnny Bad Boy: A gorgeous girl I met on the way to the competition. Her parents are liberals.
Joanna: I can’t believe you Johnny Bad Boy. I thought you really loved me.
Johnny Bad Boy: I’m sorry Joanna. I still wish we twisted together. You are way better than Minnie, truly. I just-I really needed that $50.
Joanna: $50? Is that all?
Johnny Bad Boy: Yeah. A whole fifty dollars, can you believe it?
Joanna: That’s not enough to go to Paris.
Johnny Bad Boy: What do you mean? It’s 1966. Stuff is cheap in this decade.
Joanna: Yeah, but not air travel. Gas, sure. Food and drink. Movie tickets. Those things are all cheap compared to the price of those things in the future, I am assuming. However, air travel is different. Air travel is a luxury, that few American families can afford. Airlines are currently regulated by the government. Inflation makes domestic flights alone cost over $1,000. It won’t be until airlines become privatized that flights get deregulated, and thus, more affordable. You and I won’t see that happening until we’re in our 40s.
By the way, even though things are cheaper today than they will be many years from now, you have to keep in mind that federal minimum wage currently is barely over a dollar per hour. If you think of it in these terms, a fifty cent movie ticket really adds up. However, that is a discussion for another time.
Johnny Bad Boy: Hey, when did you get smart? I’m out of here.
Joanna is heart-broken. However, she gets over it when popular boy–Kip–asks her to the prom. She reconciles with her father, marries Kip right out of high school, has three children, and stays in Merkipsie her whole life. On her death-bed, she asks her children to spread her ashes somewhere, anywhere in Paris. They do so, in Paris, Texas. The end. Do you not like this perfect film? Well, too bad. I accidentally put all my time and energy into developing this for the past three years. In case you don’t like it, here are some not at all developed movie-board-game ideas I jotted down on a McDonald’s napkin.
A historical film about Canada.
3. CHUTES AND LADDERS
For this one, all I have is the tagline: Life got you down? Then up? Then down again? Wait, you’re back up. Nope, never mind. You’re down.
4. TRIVIAL PURSUIT
A movie about getting a liberal arts degree.
A movie no one will understand, but old people will love it.
6. APPLES TO APPLES
Haven’t figured out the plot, but I do know that this will be a sad attempt at a comedic film. Not to worry though, it will be a huge success with drunk young adults who have never been to a real party.