Michael Shannon offers competing dramatic reading of that insane sorority email

04.22.13 6 years ago 41 Comments

By now you’ve probably heard about the email a Maryland Delta Gamma named Rebecca sent her sorority sisters that Drew broke over at Deadspin last week. Rebecca truly has a way with words, and it was only through her letter that I discovered the path to my heart is paved with “cunt punts” and calling your friends a bunch of goddamn boners (*swoon*). If Burnsy and I’s fratboy alter-ego has a chapter, Rebecca would definitely by its sweetheart (RIP, Blowjob Stacey). Anyway, Funny or Die recently conscripted Michael Shannon to do a dramatic reading of the email, imbuing it with the menace that only General Zod/Nelson Van Alden could bring.

You can never have too much Michael Shannon, though it should be said, Alison Haislip already beat them to the punch:

As much as I love Michael Shannon, I have to give the edge to Alison’s rendition. This is the kind of letter that really requires a woman’s touch.

On a related note, Rebecca’s now-deleted Twitter account was also pretty entertaining:

(“yammaca” = “yarmulke,” I believe).

All I’m saying is, if Rebecca had her own nightly show, I would totally watch. Especially if it was called “NEWSFLASH YOU STUPID COCKS.”

Bro, did you hear BJ DG got her own show? I heard Boner’s uncle Zev hooked her up with it because she let him fingerblast her behind the dumpster at the Sigep Chinese New Year opium den party for sex trafficking awareness. Dude’s got mad connects, me and Black Steve are gonna try to pitch him a pilot after Date Rape Dave’s funeral next Tuesday.

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