The Most Irate Responses To Negative Hobbit Reviews By Commenters Who Haven’t Seen The Hobbit Yet

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug doesn’t open until this Friday, but some critics saw it early, and dared to express negative opinions about it. And nothing angers people on the internet like criticizing something that they haven’t seen, especially something that they’re reeeeeally sure is going to be super good! It’s like you reviewed their capacity to feel joy and gave it a D. They demand satisfaction!

First, some comments from a review over at ThePlaylist, in which writer Rodrigo Perez had the temerity to rate the Hobbit a C. This despite him apparently liking the first Hobbit, which does make me question his sanity a little. The commenters, however, hated him for other reasons.

JAMES: What an utter pile of shit this review is.. It’s as though the reviewer went into the film having planned what he was going to write already, maybe he should try to have a bit of an open mind and remember that this is only the second part. I’d love to see this ‘reviewer’ achieve what Peter Jackson has achieved, and i’d love to see his version of The Hobbit seeing as he seems to think this adaptation is so poor. It amazes me how people like this guy are able to get advanced screenings of films. What a complete and utter first class bellend.

Yes many people will complain that it’s the ‘writers opinion’ and I would be fine with that but why has he written it like his opinion is fact?

Is there anything so perfectly internet as a commenter criticizing a reviewer for “having their mind up before they saw the film!” about a film that that commenter has not himself seen? You don’t come across such perfectly earnest unself-awareness every day. Well, unless you review sci-fi/fantasy stuff every day. In that case you probably do.

THOMAS BABYLON [lol]: To be ohnest I actually loved the first film od this trilogy of the “Middle Earth Saga”. I suspect I will feel the same for the second (to be determined). Mr. Jackson is one of the greatest filmakers of all time, and has done nothing but ohnored Sir Tolkien wirh all these films to date. That being said…this critical review of “Smaug” is extremely confusing to behold. Why??? Well at times he is actually praising the film as much as he is putting it down. Only to side on the negative. Hate to be him.

This review is so confusing! I think I’m going to like this film and I expected the review to too! Mom!

VIN: I get it. Youre so bored with the hobbit movies. You think they’re boring nothing happens etc. Jackson makes these for Tolkien fans not blogger douchebags. Acting perpetually cynical in hopes people will think you’re intelligent/informed -doesnt make it so. It just makes you a dick. At least you acknowledge that other people less cynical and humorless than you will enjoy it. The first hobbit was beautiful.

Ahh, the old “he’s making them for the fans!” chestnut. That pretty much puts a halt to any critique, doesn’t it? If you didn’t like it, you are not a fan. And since these movies are for fans, of course you didn’t like it. Why did you even review it?

VIN: The basher is this reviewer who obviously doesnt like the Peter Jackson movies to begin with. His cynicism and boredom with these incredible movies is central to his unprofessional teenage review. These films are incredible achievements and this guy is just some ineffectual blogger dick who does nothing. “We” have right to an opinion on this douche. thats what this comment section and the 1st ammendent is for. Who the hell are you to say so. Go blow yourself

TWS: Let’s put this review in premise/conclusion form. I really want to spell out to you how asinine this movie critic is.

P1) It’s a middle chapter, neither the beginning nor the end. (this has nothing to do with the film)

P2) It has no plot. (The plot is the most successful fantasy story ever written… so…)

P3) Every character is a “dick” (They are portrayed almost exactly as Tolkien wrote them… again… it’s the best fantasy story ever written).

P4) The characters don’t have depth (Apparently this guy has never read the book, relative to which these characters are a deep sea trench).

C) The Hobbit is a mediocre book, I mean film, that is considered the best fantasy story of all time.

Here’s the issue, if you hadn’t guessed it. Every single solitary criticism this movie critic makes is entirely a criticism of the source material. Let me repeat myself. Every single point of contention that this man brings up is not with the film, but with the source material used to create it. That source material happens to be accepted by virtually all literary authorities as the best, THE BEST, fantasy story ever written… EVER.

That is all. Have a nice night.

If you criticize this movie, you criticize Tolkien, and Tolkien is above criticism because he’s so successful. What are you, a Commie? Quick, someone alert the literary authorities.

MARISSA EVANS: Why are people like you allowed to review films professionally? And I’m not saying this because I want a good review for the film (personally couldn’t care less, I’m just curious about taking my kid to see it), but it would be nice to get a review that doesn’t sound like a 12 year-old boy venting.

JASON: You called the dwarves “hobbits” in this review. I think this articulates the extent to which you decided you’d hate this movie before even watching it. I may not have even noticed you’d made that mistake, if you weren’t trying to sound like an edgy, hip blogger with an appealing personality. Try less.

STEVE JONES: just stop making reviews, your being ridiculous

I really hope “stop making ____, your being ridiculous” becomes a meme.

owdl114: I can’t believe the amount of cursing in this review. If this reviewer/site wishes to take itself more seriously, then that must be dropped.

OSCAR: This review disappoints me, not because it takes a decidedly negative stance on the movie, but because he’s posing as a profound critic analyzing a shallow movie, when really he’s a shallow critic blabbing about a movie he can’t be bothered to read beyond appearances. The ‘gemstone’ you mention is the Arkenstone, the symbol of Erebor’s kings, therefore a logical item of Thorin’s desire. You insult your readers by showing all the patience and wit of a three-year old, whining for more things to happen when you want it. Things will pay off when they need to.

First he calls dwarves “hobbits,” now he’s confusing a “gemstone” for the Arkenstone? Maybe this guy DOES suck. Does he even know that the ring is magic?

TWS: This is one of the most unprofessionally written movie reviews I have ever seen. Are you even aware of the socio-political undertones of this film, between Thranduil, the elvin king, the Master of Laketown, and the miniature rebellions of Bard and Tauriel? Any and all aspects of broader commentaries brought by Peter Jackson to this film are completely lost on you. You claim there is no weight to the film but that is only because you have not the eyes to see it. Readers should not take any of your words seriously and move on.

You have proved yourself a fool.


Meanwhile, Jordan Hoffman over at ScreenRush dared to rate Desolation of Smaug a meager four out of a possible ten. Their commenting system requires logging in with a valid Facebook account, but having to log in with real names didn’t seem to soften anyone’s vitriol.

Sensibility: No credibility in this review. You obviously made up your mind before seeing the movie. Not cool.

You know, as opposed to the guy who made up his mind about the review without seeing the movie. That‘s fair game.

Rob ‘Norb’ Pol: Jordan Hoffman You clearly knew your review of the film before you went in.

Oscar Stainton: “there’s no forward momentum, no character development, no story happening. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a fibber”

Do you take us all for idiots, Hoffman?? You can’t just brush off Bilbo’s story of becoming an accomplished adventurer through his travels with the Dwarves, or Thorin’s desire for a homeland starting to consume him, as anything less than a solid story in a rich and well realized world. If fantasy isn’t your thing, leave reviewing those movies to someone more qualified than yourself.

Brian Collins: Nice job saying that this character development isn’t “fully realized” in the second of three films…. probably because there is a third film. Maybe you should read the book, gain some foresight into what Peter Jackson and Guillermo del Toro is trying to build over the entire trilogy, and stop making ignorant statements.

Are you really claiming that Bilbo is the same fidgety little hobbit with OCD that he was in the beginning of the first film? Please tell me that is your claim so we can all just write you off as a complete fool.

Let’s see if we can categorize every angry comment. Maybe in the future, we can just have people select their angry comment like a multiple choice question so they don’t have to bother with things typing and spelling.

Are you angry? Please select one of the following:

A. The reviewer clearly doesn’t like/has no familiarity with the source material so he should not be reviewing this separate work of art based on it. Unprofessional. Please fire.

B. I don’t like what this reviewer said, and I’m pretty sure it’s because the reviewer is immature, ignorant, and swears too much. What is he/she, a teenager? Unprofessional. Please fire.

C. The reviewer clearly does not like said work because reviewer was already predisposed to disliking said work. Why else would s/he dislike it? Unprofessional. Please fire.

D. The reviewer is far too dumb to grasp the complex symbolism of what this work is portraying, and/or unaware that it is widely recognized as the best _____ story of its time. Unprofessional. Please fire.

E. This reviewer previously said ____ is good/bad (please select one), so obviously he has proven himself an idiot. Unprofessional. Please fire.

F. I’d love to see *your* version of ___, ____face. What the ___ have *you* done? Unprofessional. Please fire.

Brian Collins: If you look at how much care and intricate detail Peter Jackson puts in this film, it’s disgusting to even read a review like this. It’s as if you ordered some expensive pasta dish at a five star restaurant and then spat it out and said, “I like Kraft macaroni and cheese better!” Seriously… there was no substance to this review, no mention of broader themes or social commentaries, and a complete disregard of OBVIOUS character development of Bilbo and Legolas (who behaves WAY DIFFERENTLY from when he first appears in Fellowship – and certainly has a lot of changing to do until then). These subtleties are completely lost on you. How sad. You’re a child. Leave the reviewing to adults.

Mike K-os Spriggs: Have you not seen the 1977 cartoon The Hobbit or even read the book, it is fallowing very close to it, your reviews are always garbage

“This movie that I have not seen is fallowing very close to the 1977 cartoon, how could you not like it? Anything what fallow cartoon is best. Terrible.”

Michelle Lynn Loeppky

All I can say

Is u r a complete and utter ass

The hobbit is by far one of the best movies ever

And I can’t wait to see the next one

The story is there if u know how to understand it

Clearly u missed what the story I haven’t seen was about. I’m pretty sure. U r an ass hoal.

Elsewhere, R. Kurt Oslander gave the film two out of four stars, reviewing for Slant. Ooh, I wonder if the commenters were angry about it!

disqus_gO2Hg4raee: How is someone so unaware of th general sentiments portrayed in the rest of popular discourse allowed to be a film reviewer? The majority of critics did indeed feel the narrative expansion of the first film was – to varying degrees – too extensive, hence why many other critics are praising the pacing of this second film…

Seriously, try reading stuff by other writers once in a while?

disqus_gO2Hg4raee: Also, the example you cite for “Tolkien’s peerless talent for weaving grand historical grace into dazzling fantasy” is very ironic and betraying of your ignorance, given the event you describe and even one of the characters you mention have been entirely constructed by Jackson and co.! Dear lord…

Josiah: A lot of these comments seem to complain about the story itself — the story that Tolkien wrote. I understand pacing and what-not, but Beorn, the spiders, the escape down the river, etc. are all in the book, so of course Jackson is going to “throw” them at the audience.

There are plenty more. But the important thing is that The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug opens in a little under a week. Which means you still have some time to make up your mind about it, and do lots research on all the critics that disagree with you, like finding out they used swear words that one time so clearly their opinion is invalid.