James Franco went Perez Hilton on Bruce Vilanch

James Franco, so hot right now before the Oscars, turned in a lazy performance that has become the stuff of legend (the kind of legend everyone forgets about in three months). But can you blame him?  Once you’ve done Dicknose in Paris, the volume gets turned down on everything else.  Anyway, after the show, producers weren’t shy about what they thought went wrong.  As Oscar writer/human Fraggle Bruce Vilanch told Vulture:

“I have to call James Franco and tell him the show’s over … He took a nap and woke up in class.”

“I don’t think he realized how big a deal it is to do it until he was actually confronted with it,” Vilanch continued. “I think he thought he would kind of … I don’t know what he thought. I thought maybe it was a performance-art prank, and then I realized he sincerely wanted to do it. But it’s outside of those guys’ comfort zones.  The only people who know how to host those shows are people who get up onstage every night … ‘ Or people like Bette [Midler] who get up and sing all night and tell stories.”

Vilanch went on to play a cheerful song on a kazoo made from a gourd and fashion a necklace out his own socks.  Later, Academy president Tom Sherak even chimed in:

“She tried very hard, and he did it his own way,” Sherak said of Hathaway and Franco. “The light didn’t go on for him.”

This apparently made the normally level-headed Franco INCANDESCENT WITH RAGE, so much that he yesterday Tweeted the above banner picture along with “Bruce, he let me down.”  He’s since deleted the tweet and picture, which had a Bruce Vilanch speech bubble that read, in Perez Hilton-style MS Paint, “James f*cked up the Oscars.  Trust me, I know comedy.  I mean, come on, I write for Bette Midler!”

(*pulls dick off nose, licks tip, holds it up to check direction of breeze*) Yep, that’s a burn.

Though if you only saw the burn, you missed half the point of James Franco’s childish-celebrity-feud-as-performance-art.  As you’ll read in my thesis, when the handsome, famous actor turns the spotlight back on the fat pathetic comedy writer, he subverts the entire celeb-teardown-as-obesity-based-self-hatred-turned-outwards paradigm on its head.  Which is to say, JAMES FRANCO HAS REINVENTED BLOGGING!  WELCOME TO WEB 3.0, OR AS I LIKE TO CALL IT, FRANCOWEB.

I think from now on, all my banner pictures should have Franco Border™.