Jennifer Lopez strips for Jason Statham

Parker, the trailer for which you can watch below, looks like every Jason Statham movie ever, with the added benefit that this one also has Nick Nolte, the Commish, and that lady from the Fiat commercials.

Parker (Jason Statham) is a professional thief who lives by a personal code of ethics: Don’t steal from people who can’t afford it and don’t hurt people who don’t deserve it. But on his latest heist, his crew double crosses him, steals his stash, and leaves him for dead. Determined to make sure they regret it, Parker tracks them to PalmBeach, playground of the rich and famous, where the crew is planning their biggest heist ever. Donning the disguise of a rich Texan, Parker takes on an unlikely partner, Leslie (Jennifer Lopez), a savvy insider, who’s short on cash, but big on looks, smarts and ambition.

And ass. She’s big on looks, smarts, ambition, and ass. Big like Texas. Anyway, as always, I asked my friend The Stath for his commentary.

“At first when dey asked Da Stafe if oy’d be interested in stahrin in a fiwm cawed ‘Pahkah,’ oy fought dey wiz focken jokin, weren’ oy, Tommy. Oy mean if it’s transpor’ering you’re aftah, Da Stafe is obviously da man for da job, innit. You wan’ somefin transpor’ed, caw a transpor’a, ain’ dat roight, Tommy. But pahkin? Whoy on God’s green Earff would da Stafe ‘ave dis flash bloody focken sazz wagon if ‘e wiz only sposed ta pahk it, donnit? But den da cont wiv da script tews me, ‘Oy, Stafe! Pahkah is just da name of da bloke wiv da flash sazz wagon.’  An Da Stafe wiz loike, Oy, why didn’ you tew me dat in da first place, Tommy? Come ta foind out, dis Pahkah ‘as got a particulah set uv skillz, which include, but is not limi’ed to: knobbin’ birds, givin’ conts a frashin, and jumpin from movin ve’icews an comin out unscavved, now don’ oy. On top a dat, Oy get to tew da Spanish bird oo sings dem wankah songs to take ‘er clovves off, an den oy knob ‘er in ‘er granny knickahs. It’s wew kinky.”

Opens 1/25/2013