Senior Editor
09.17.09 25 Comments

Coyotes ran off with Jessica Simpson’s Malti-Poo (this just in, I hate anyone who owns a dog breed with “poo” in the title) on Monday, but she should have it back any day now, because as Us Magazine reports, professional pet detectives are on the case.’s Colleen Busch tells Us, “We’re kind of an amber alert for missing pets. We took the address of where Daisy went missing and we used that as a bulls-eye. We called 1,000 neighbors in the surrounding area and sent out a 30-second message with details about Daisy and her disappearance, and details on how to get in touch with Jessica’s assistant.”

Gosh, I hope they find Daisy before the coyotes rape her and get her addicted to drugs and sell her to a prostitution ring!  That’s what coyotes do when they kidnap dogs!  Seriously, all I could think about the whole time I was reading this story was Ace Ventura on the phone with the coyotes, talking out of his ass, “If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you that I don’t have money.  What I do have is a *fart* icular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for coyotes like you…”

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