Senior Editor
08.10.09 40 Comments

This news item comes from Mike Walker’s National Enquirer column, which generally contains 99% made-up bullsh*t.   But what can I say, I couldn’t resist a headline like “Joaquin Phoenix goes crazy while buying a cape.”

It’s no hoax, folks – Joaquin Phoenix is one nutty fruitcake! The looney-toony star, dressed like a homeless derelict and muttering to himself nonstop, was spotted pawing through racks of clothes at Red Balls on Melrose, where he finally grabbed a black velvet cape, black trousers and mesh top, ducked into a dressing room – and began belting rap songs.

Emerging in his new outfit, he told the salesgirl he’d be wearing it home. Nervous, she asked: “What form of payment will you be using today, sir?”… then nearly jumped out of her skin when Phoenix banged down a wad of cash and yelled: “MONEY!” [Editor’s note: Again, possibly not true, but awesome. I’m totally stealing that.]

Said an eyewitness: “He mumbled madly while the girl counted out his change and offered him a bag for his own clothes. Joaquin never said a word, rushed out of the store wearing his velvet cape – and dumped his old clothes in the nearest trash can!” [Nat’lEnquirer via Celeb]

The eyewitness probably didn’t say that with an exclamation point, but Mike Walker’s keyboard is stuck on ‘breathlessly homo.’  Anyway, I hope Casey Affleck’s documentary comes out soon, because I’m starting to like this character.  And I don’t know how he’s going to top himself short of pooping in random baby strollers.  Same thing happened to Sean Young. It was …quite sad.

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