Joel Schumacher’s new movie recreated with bad reviews

Senior Editor
04.05.10 16 Comments

There’s a new, super long, nonsensical trailer out for Twelve, from director Joel Schumacher, starring Hollywood super twink Chace Crawford.  It premiered at Sundance, and though Sundance was originally supposed to be for independent, up-and-coming filmmakers, apparently it’s now for guys who made millions directing abominable Batman movies and their vanity projects starring famous people and rappers.  It’s sad, Robert Redford is probably turning over in his grave right now.

From what I can tell, Twelve is a Bret Easton Ellis-ish story (based on a 2002 Nick McDonell novel) about a drug called twelve, rich kids in their bras, über douche-nozzle PC from NYC Prep jizzing his pants, and Fiddy Cent taking some drugged-up slut to the candy shop.  The actual plot is hard to glean, so after the jump, I did the old recreate-the-plot-using-negative-reviews trick again.

To avoid confusion, and to let everybody instantly know what to expect, they should change the name from TWELVE to Joel Schumacher’s RICH KIDS.  That is what the film is, Schumacher making an empty story about rich kids, and one former rich kid who is now a drug dealer to his former friends and classmates, called White Mike.  His family lost their money when his mother fought and eventually died from breast cancer the year before.GordonandtheWhale

…and he dropped out of high school to sell drugs.Cinematical

We see him walk around with permanent beard scruff and a stoic expression, while dealing a lot of drugs.  Occasionally he thinks about his deceased mother, or tries to get a hold of his drug addict cousin Charlie (Jeremy Allen White), or his best friend Hunter (Philip Ettinger) who has been arrested for suspicion of murder.

There is also the smart, girl character, who get’s hooked on a new, extremely potent and addicting drug, TWELVE (there it is the title).GordonandtheWhale

…which comes in glass vials and is meant to be some sort of a cross between cocaine and ecstasy. It’s highly addictive, and it’s something White Mike won’t sell. However, when his cousin gets killed in a botched robbery while attempting to score some, and his best friend gets picked up for the murder, White Mike’s world gets turned upside down. Cinematical

And then, when a character purchased a samurai sword, or maybe it was when another took refuge in a church by pulling a stool up to the altar, the assorted press decided together that it was OK to laugh out loud– and Twelve became one of the best comedies I’ve seen at the festival.

The silly incompetence is really best represented by that samurai sword, which Claude purchases and wields constantly toward the other characters while pumping iron and doing situps.

But when the movie ends without a single one of the annoying characters getting sliced in half with a blade, it’s almost unbelievably disappointing.CinemaBlend

It’s one of those films you won’t believe is as bad as everyone tells you until you see it for yourself. Collider

I’m not even being sarcastic when I say that the quotes from its bad reviews would sell the movie far more effectively than that trailer. I guess what I’m trying to say is that they should pay me. These kitty costumes don’t pay for themselves. At least not at first.

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