Kevin Smith, Johnny Depp, And Their Daughters To Team Up For ‘Yoga Hosers’

I normally farm these Kevin Smith posts out to Chareth Cutestory, simply because he maintains a level of hate for the “jorts-ensconced taint enthusiast” than I myself could ever muster, and I find it simply intoxicating. But I must admit, each new Kevin Smith project I hear about has me moving more and more towards Mr. Cutestory’s point of view. Smith has retreated so far up the ass of his own self-referential podcasts in the past few years that I barely know what he’s talking about anymore.

With Tusk (Smith’s man-walrus hybrid movie based on a podcast, with a podcasting protagonist) set to open Fantastic Fest, the latest word is that Tusk is actually the first film of a “True North” trilogy that will be “steeped in Canadian lore and history” (and Cheeto dust, presumably). The next two will be Yoga Hosers, and Moose Jaws, which Smith has described as “Jaws, but with a moose.”

Holy sh*t, lay off the weed, Kevin. Anyway, here’s the latest on Yoga Hosers.

This week, Smith will start principal photography on Yoga Hosers, an action-adventure  movie that will star Depp, his daughter Lily-Rose Depp, and Smith’s daugther Harley Quinn Smith [pictured, left].

Of course he named his daughter after a Batman character. Of course.

…the entire cast of Tusk is returning for Hosers, including Michael Parks, Justin Long, Haley Joel Osment, Genesis Rodriguez, Ralph Garman, Jennifer Schwalbach [pictured, right] and Harley Morenstein.

New to the cast are Tony Hale, Natasha Lyonne, Austin Butler, Adam Brody, Tyler Posey and Jason Mewes.

Isn’t there a law against having this many people named “Haley” and “Harley” in the same place? There should be.

Hosers, written by Smith, centers on 15-year-old yoga nuts Colleen Collette (Lily-Rose Depp) and Colleen McKenzie (Harley Quinn Smith) who have an after-school job at a Manitoba convenience store called Eh-2-Zed. When an ancient evil rises from beneath Canada’s crust and threatens their big invitation to a Grade 12 party, the Colleens join forces with a legendary man-hunter from Montreal named Guy Lapointe (Depp) to fight for their lives with, according to the producers, “all seven Charkas, one Warrior Pose at a time.”

I’m pretty sure they mean “chakras” not “charkas,” but I’m groaning so hard right that I don’t have enough oxygen to ponder it deeply.

“People always ask me ‘Are you ever going to make a comic book movie?’” Smith said. “This is it – but instead of yet another dude saving the day, our antiheroes are the most feared and formidable creatures man has ever encountered: two fifteen year old girls.” [HollywoodReporter]

Kevin Smith may not be the hero equality deserves, but he’s the one who will run with every half-assed idea he has during one of his eight trillion podcasts. GRRRL POWER! Anyway, I eagerly look forward to Kevin Smith’s “Why Do They Call It Taking A Dump When Really You’re Leaving One” Sextology. One brave be-jorted man is going to ponder the imponderables. Six times!